Free Agent Bar
Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2011 5:09 pm
The free agents sitting round the bar are fewer, but tempers are starting to flare....
Jimmy Rollins:
The Phils are Jetering me!
Mike Cuddyer:
What?
Jimmy Rollins:
They're Jetering me!
They know that I'm of more value to them than other teams and know that I won't make as much money in another market, so they're low balling me!
Luke Scott:
You mean they're trying to pay you what you're worth?
Jimmy Rollins:
Yeah! Oh wait, what the Hell did that mean?
I'll make more than you, sucka!
Luke Scott:
Duh! It's not like I have the big team experience.
Houston, Baltimore, next train to Loserville! Here I come.
I got 10 teams courting me though!
Mike Cuddyer:
Courting you, my ass!
I called you last week and the teams interested in you grew from six to seven!
You can't count a personal call as an interested team!
Luke Scott:
I don't, but my agent does!
Mike Cameron:
I'll get an offer before both of you!
Mike Cuddyer:
Dude! I thought you retired five years ago!
Kerry Wood:
He did, but he didn't tell the teams that signed him!
Jason Kubel:
Hey Prince, when are you signing?
Prince Fielder:
After most of you low-lifes are inked.
Scott Boras wants teams to realize that guys like you are band-aids, not the cure.
Jason Kubel:
Did you eat your World Series rings?
Cuz I don't see any on your fingers there, Stud!
Prince Fielder:
I think it's funny that you're sitting next to Scott, Kubel.
You guys are the same player.
Jason Kubel:
Whaddya mean?
Prince Fielder:
You'll have the same answers to the same questions from GM's-
Can you hit lefties?...no
Can you play left field?...no
Can you play 1b?...no
Can you play in the NL?...no
Pathetic!
Luke Scott:
Whatever dude, here's your questions-
Is it possible for a vegetarian to be overweight during his whole career?...yes
Can you lead a team, be the heart and soul, only readily leave that team for more money? ...yes
If a player is missing, do they accuse you of eating him?....yes
Have you made up a home run celebration that stars yourself?....yes
Pathetic is right!
Francisco Cordero:
Still think you'll get Papelbon money, Madson?
Ryan Madson:
I may have overestimated my self-worth.
JD Drew:
You guys know any teams willing to take on a guy who's hardly ever played a full season, or 3/4 or 1/2 a season? Anybody?
Manny Ramirez:
You guys know any teams willing to take on an aging head case who'll sit out the first 50 games of the season?
EVERYBODY:
The Mets!
Kerry Wood:
Granny Ramirez.
Jason Varitek:
The only thing these shortsighted teams want is talent!
Nobody wants a team leader any more!
Jorge Posada:
Dude, if I had your head and you had my body, we'd... we'd... ah crap, we still wouldn't be worth much!
Jason Varitek:
At least we can look forward to the Hall of Fame?
Ivan Rodriguez:
You guys won't even get the most catcher votes!
Carlos Beltran:
I can't believe I haven't been swept off my feet by a big contract yet!
Darren Oliver:
Sorry Carlos, did you say something?
I couldn't hear you over your knees creaking.
Carlos Beltran:
Whatever, say hi to your friend Walter Johnson for me, ok?
(The bar doors swing open and in walks Rafael Furcal)
Rafael Furcal:
Set everybody up with a drink, bartender!
I just got 14 million bucks for two years!
Raul Ibanez:
What?!
You've only hit 15 homers over the last two years.
That's like a million a homer!
Rafael Furcal:
You forget, I'm losing range and only hit .231 and haven't stolen double digit bases in four years too!
You know what that means, right?
EVERYBODY:
There is still hope for all of us!!!
Jimmy Rollins:
The Phils are Jetering me!
Mike Cuddyer:
What?
Jimmy Rollins:
They're Jetering me!
They know that I'm of more value to them than other teams and know that I won't make as much money in another market, so they're low balling me!
Luke Scott:
You mean they're trying to pay you what you're worth?
Jimmy Rollins:
Yeah! Oh wait, what the Hell did that mean?
I'll make more than you, sucka!
Luke Scott:
Duh! It's not like I have the big team experience.
Houston, Baltimore, next train to Loserville! Here I come.
I got 10 teams courting me though!
Mike Cuddyer:
Courting you, my ass!
I called you last week and the teams interested in you grew from six to seven!
You can't count a personal call as an interested team!
Luke Scott:
I don't, but my agent does!
Mike Cameron:
I'll get an offer before both of you!
Mike Cuddyer:
Dude! I thought you retired five years ago!
Kerry Wood:
He did, but he didn't tell the teams that signed him!
Jason Kubel:
Hey Prince, when are you signing?
Prince Fielder:
After most of you low-lifes are inked.
Scott Boras wants teams to realize that guys like you are band-aids, not the cure.
Jason Kubel:
Did you eat your World Series rings?
Cuz I don't see any on your fingers there, Stud!
Prince Fielder:
I think it's funny that you're sitting next to Scott, Kubel.
You guys are the same player.
Jason Kubel:
Whaddya mean?
Prince Fielder:
You'll have the same answers to the same questions from GM's-
Can you hit lefties?...no
Can you play left field?...no
Can you play 1b?...no
Can you play in the NL?...no
Pathetic!
Luke Scott:
Whatever dude, here's your questions-
Is it possible for a vegetarian to be overweight during his whole career?...yes
Can you lead a team, be the heart and soul, only readily leave that team for more money? ...yes
If a player is missing, do they accuse you of eating him?....yes
Have you made up a home run celebration that stars yourself?....yes
Pathetic is right!
Francisco Cordero:
Still think you'll get Papelbon money, Madson?
Ryan Madson:
I may have overestimated my self-worth.
JD Drew:
You guys know any teams willing to take on a guy who's hardly ever played a full season, or 3/4 or 1/2 a season? Anybody?
Manny Ramirez:
You guys know any teams willing to take on an aging head case who'll sit out the first 50 games of the season?
EVERYBODY:
The Mets!
Kerry Wood:
Granny Ramirez.
Jason Varitek:
The only thing these shortsighted teams want is talent!
Nobody wants a team leader any more!
Jorge Posada:
Dude, if I had your head and you had my body, we'd... we'd... ah crap, we still wouldn't be worth much!
Jason Varitek:
At least we can look forward to the Hall of Fame?
Ivan Rodriguez:
You guys won't even get the most catcher votes!
Carlos Beltran:
I can't believe I haven't been swept off my feet by a big contract yet!
Darren Oliver:
Sorry Carlos, did you say something?
I couldn't hear you over your knees creaking.
Carlos Beltran:
Whatever, say hi to your friend Walter Johnson for me, ok?
(The bar doors swing open and in walks Rafael Furcal)
Rafael Furcal:
Set everybody up with a drink, bartender!
I just got 14 million bucks for two years!
Raul Ibanez:
What?!
You've only hit 15 homers over the last two years.
That's like a million a homer!
Rafael Furcal:
You forget, I'm losing range and only hit .231 and haven't stolen double digit bases in four years too!
You know what that means, right?
EVERYBODY:
There is still hope for all of us!!!