Mouth Musings #3: "Running off at the Mouth"
Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 12:03 am
So without further ado and in no particular order off the top of my head...
Dan Kenyon, aka DOUGHBOYS, asked me this week in a chat conversation during a draft, "If a month was cut off your life every time you had sex, would you abstain and how often? Sometimes you just have to say WTF..."
This was in response to his touting some new toxic offering that I guess McDonald's is currently offering on their "menu", and him asking me if I had tried it yet. I said only if there was a nuclear war and it was the only "food" left that we survivors had left to eat...but only after first trying cannibalism.
And in answer to Dan's question, that would be "no" on the abstention question. By my calculations based upon what (read who) I did between 1984-1991, I have actually cut at least 10 years off my life. 
Which kinda sucks because now I figure I'm lookin' at an expiration date of somewhere in the low 100's. Damn Jersey Ho's! 
Word of advice: Never "date" strippers named "Nikki" with pet birds, especially talking ones. I'll leave it at that.
Speaking of health advice, I got a text this week from my good buddy and top NFBC competitor, Scott "MINGALING" Fleming apologizing for having to bow out of our lunch meeting because he had woken up with a severe sore throat, and was on his way to the clinic for some meds. I of course immediately admonished him on this course of action for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which being the last thing an immediate care center needs during the height of the flu season is some big pussy clogging up their waiting room with what was probably at worst a case of dry mouth knowing Fleming's pain threshold.
So I quickly researched as many natural remedies as possible, being the picture of health and physical specimen that I am, and detoured him to a local Vitamin Shoppe with his list which included such things as raw honey, garlic tablets, oil of oregano, slippery elm, green tea, and Bella Donna, a homeopathic remedy for pain such as Mr. Fleming was suffering. I told him to report back to me to let me know how it all went. The phone rang the next day. It was Scott. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "Hey bud, how you feeling?"
Scott: "I gotta tell you, I bought a bunch of that stuff you recommended, went home, dumped it all into the tea, and
drank it a few times, and today I feel much better."
Me: "That's great, but you dumped it all into the tea at once?! Even the Bella Donna?"
Scott: "I didn't get that one."
Me: "How come?"
Scott: "I tell you it took everything for me to walk in there to ask someone for help with my list, but I had to draw the line
at the Bella Donna."
Me: "Why the hell for?"
Scott: "Bro', I just couldn't do it...I felt like I was asking the guy for a prostitute."
Classic.
So he told me that I should now be known as "Mike the Mouth" The Witch Doctor, too. Whatever works. Free natural, holistic, and alternative health advice from here on in to all of my fellow NFBC brothers and sisters out there who want it. Except for I think Dough, Sack, and Lord Zola to name a few. You all fall into the category of "Lost Causes", but there is a place for you guys if you can get there...
In this photo: Dan Kenyon, Ken Magner, and Todd Zola after a few months on the Sleestak Diet
Ordered my NFBC jersey from the new available apparel. But I'm still waiting for an NFBC alarm clock that wouldn't wake me up with a series of beeps or music. It would just blare: "YOU ARE NOW ON THE CLOCK! Tell me that wouldn't be the best way to wake up in the morning.
I keep hearing the term "shitload" being used a lot lately...as in "there is a shitload of pitching available late this year", or "he's going to give me a shitload of steals", etc. Ever wonder who the guy was who came up with the unit of measure for a shitload? And really just how much is a shitload, and do I really want a shitload of anything?
Now to get that image out of your head, here's a nice picture of my wife's boobs that I wanted to share with you:
There a several things wrong about the above statement and corresponding photo, but I will leave that to your imaginations.
Strange but True
The $1000 DC "Max Pain" Draft started this past week, the only one of its kind with an elite field of competitors. O This is of course minus Mark "Gekko" Srebro, who routinely dodges any draft over a $150 entry fee, and that he won't join unless he can't recognize at least a dozen or more of the competitors on the league sign up list so that he can cash or win in 87 of the 100 he'll be in this year, and then go on the radio to let us in how he does it . Anyway, a strange thing has occurred this year in the $1000 DC.
There is a guy in there drafting all the crappy players I wanted 10-15 rounds before I could grab them 10-15 rounds later where they should have been drafted!
Always fun drafting right next to guys like this before the turn. 
In the last five years, only one player in major league baseball has had at least 10 hrs, 19 steals (this number would be 30 steals if it weren't for one injury year), 55 RBI's, and 70 runs scored. His name is Shane Victorino. Doesn't sound too impressive? Not bad out of your third or fourth outfielder especially when you consider that Jacoby Ellsbury has done this exactly once in his entire major league career. Ah the skill of health! Two things going for Ellsbury this year though: He's in a contract year and Scott Boras is his agent, so you can bet he'll be out there minus a limb if he has to. 
I have barely read or heard one positive outlook on Mark Trumbo anywhere this year. He can't field, makes shit contact, can't take a walk to save his life, has a pathetic eye, and strikes out a ton of course, scores an average of about 65 runs, and barely hits for the league average, and yet I still see him being drafted in every draft I'm in in the 6-7th round (7th in the 1000 DC, too)! Sooner or later that bubble is going to burst...like this year. Pass.
On the subject of crash and burn...Fernando Rodney posted an ERA of 0.60 over 74.2 innings. That's the lowest in baseball history for a pitcher who threw 50 innings or more in a season! Entering the 2012 season, Rodney had never had an ERA lower than 2.86, with the previous six straight years of an ERA of at least 4.24 and a career mark of 4.29. Last year was the first time in six years that he had a WHIP of less than 1.32...there's about another paragraph here of shocking outlier data that would make your heads spin, so the verdict is Pass again...actually, make that Run...for Jake McGee!
In this photo: The Fernando Rodney air bus comes in for a landing
That's it for now...had a bunch more, but this baby was getting long. Back in about a week. I know. I owe everyone the clash with college security story. I promise. I'll lead with that one next time. Plus I'll even throw in a bonus story involving a top NFBC competitor's testicles! So that's not to be missed either. How the hell I end up in the middle of all this shit I'll never know. Does make for good material though.
Dan Kenyon, aka DOUGHBOYS, asked me this week in a chat conversation during a draft, "If a month was cut off your life every time you had sex, would you abstain and how often? Sometimes you just have to say WTF..."
This was in response to his touting some new toxic offering that I guess McDonald's is currently offering on their "menu", and him asking me if I had tried it yet. I said only if there was a nuclear war and it was the only "food" left that we survivors had left to eat...but only after first trying cannibalism.
And in answer to Dan's question, that would be "no" on the abstention question. By my calculations based upon what (read who) I did between 1984-1991, I have actually cut at least 10 years off my life. Which kinda sucks because now I figure I'm lookin' at an expiration date of somewhere in the low 100's. Damn Jersey Ho's! Word of advice: Never "date" strippers named "Nikki" with pet birds, especially talking ones. I'll leave it at that.
Speaking of health advice, I got a text this week from my good buddy and top NFBC competitor, Scott "MINGALING" Fleming apologizing for having to bow out of our lunch meeting because he had woken up with a severe sore throat, and was on his way to the clinic for some meds. I of course immediately admonished him on this course of action for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which being the last thing an immediate care center needs during the height of the flu season is some big pussy clogging up their waiting room with what was probably at worst a case of dry mouth knowing Fleming's pain threshold.
So I quickly researched as many natural remedies as possible, being the picture of health and physical specimen that I am
, and detoured him to a local Vitamin Shoppe with his list which included such things as raw honey, garlic tablets, oil of oregano, slippery elm, green tea, and Bella Donna, a homeopathic remedy for pain such as Mr. Fleming was suffering. I told him to report back to me to let me know how it all went. The phone rang the next day. It was Scott. The conversation went something like this:Me: "Hey bud, how you feeling?"
Scott: "I gotta tell you, I bought a bunch of that stuff you recommended, went home, dumped it all into the tea, and
drank it a few times, and today I feel much better."
Me: "That's great, but you dumped it all into the tea at once?! Even the Bella Donna?"
Scott: "I didn't get that one."
Me: "How come?"
Scott: "I tell you it took everything for me to walk in there to ask someone for help with my list, but I had to draw the line
at the Bella Donna."
Me: "Why the hell for?"
Scott: "Bro', I just couldn't do it...I felt like I was asking the guy for a prostitute."
Classic.So he told me that I should now be known as "Mike the Mouth" The Witch Doctor, too. Whatever works. Free natural, holistic, and alternative health advice from here on in to all of my fellow NFBC brothers and sisters out there who want it. Except for I think Dough, Sack, and Lord Zola to name a few. You all fall into the category of "Lost Causes", but there is a place for you guys if you can get there...
In this photo: Dan Kenyon, Ken Magner, and Todd Zola after a few months on the Sleestak Diet
Ordered my NFBC jersey from the new available apparel. But I'm still waiting for an NFBC alarm clock that wouldn't wake me up with a series of beeps or music. It would just blare: "YOU ARE NOW ON THE CLOCK! Tell me that wouldn't be the best way to wake up in the morning.
I keep hearing the term "shitload" being used a lot lately...as in "there is a shitload of pitching available late this year", or "he's going to give me a shitload of steals", etc. Ever wonder who the guy was who came up with the unit of measure for a shitload? And really just how much is a shitload, and do I really want a shitload of anything?
Now to get that image out of your head, here's a nice picture of my wife's boobs that I wanted to share with you:
There a several things wrong about the above statement and corresponding photo, but I will leave that to your imaginations.
Strange but True
The $1000 DC "Max Pain" Draft started this past week, the only one of its kind with an elite field of competitors. O This is of course minus Mark "Gekko" Srebro, who routinely dodges any draft over a $150 entry fee, and that he won't join unless he can't recognize at least a dozen or more of the competitors on the league sign up list so that he can cash or win in 87 of the 100 he'll be in this year, and then go on the radio to let us in how he does it . Anyway, a strange thing has occurred this year in the $1000 DC.There is a guy in there drafting all the crappy players I wanted 10-15 rounds before I could grab them 10-15 rounds later where they should have been drafted!
Always fun drafting right next to guys like this before the turn. In the last five years, only one player in major league baseball has had at least 10 hrs, 19 steals (this number would be 30 steals if it weren't for one injury year), 55 RBI's, and 70 runs scored. His name is Shane Victorino. Doesn't sound too impressive? Not bad out of your third or fourth outfielder especially when you consider that Jacoby Ellsbury has done this exactly once in his entire major league career. Ah the skill of health! Two things going for Ellsbury this year though: He's in a contract year and Scott Boras is his agent, so you can bet he'll be out there minus a limb if he has to. I have barely read or heard one positive outlook on Mark Trumbo anywhere this year. He can't field, makes shit contact, can't take a walk to save his life, has a pathetic eye, and strikes out a ton of course, scores an average of about 65 runs, and barely hits for the league average, and yet I still see him being drafted in every draft I'm in in the 6-7th round (7th in the 1000 DC, too)! Sooner or later that bubble is going to burst...like this year. Pass. On the subject of crash and burn...Fernando Rodney posted an ERA of 0.60 over 74.2 innings. That's the lowest in baseball history for a pitcher who threw 50 innings or more in a season! Entering the 2012 season, Rodney had never had an ERA lower than 2.86, with the previous six straight years of an ERA of at least 4.24 and a career mark of 4.29. Last year was the first time in six years that he had a WHIP of less than 1.32...there's about another paragraph here of shocking outlier data that would make your heads spin, so the verdict is Pass again...actually, make that Run...for Jake McGee! In this photo: The Fernando Rodney air bus comes in for a landing
That's it for now...had a bunch more, but this baby was getting long. Back in about a week. I know. I owe everyone the clash with college security story. I promise. I'll lead with that one next time. Plus I'll even throw in a bonus story involving a top NFBC competitor's testicles! So that's not to be missed either.
How the hell I end up in the middle of all this shit I'll never know. Does make for good material though. 
Thanks!