Mouth Musings #7: Back with a Vengeance Edition!
Posted: Thu May 23, 2013 9:11 pm
So it's been a while. Too long actually. So I will start with this: WARNING! This latest installment reflects weeks of pent up frustration, aggravation, and creative energy, so it's not recommended for minors(not Mike Minor; he's the one guy that hasn't consistently f*cked me since the beginning of this goddamned debacle of a fantasy baseball season so far). So if you're under the age of 18 or are easily offended, please stop reading and go back to wasting your time watching playoff hockey or basketball. This is a baseball thread anyway. 
Now that being said, let me just lead with the obvious: I f*cking blow at fantasy baseball!. That's right, I said it. You've all been trying to tell me for a long time, but I refused to listen. However, I have finally come to the harsh realization that I don't have a f*cking clue when it comes to this shit. Yes, yes, I could easily take the tact of such notable "winners" as Mark Srebro aka "Gekko" and play the law of averages by drafting 150 DC teams in the hopes of finishing first in several of them
Or I could likewise employ the strategy by some others of you who shall remain nameless who like to prey on the rank and file of the equally delusional and incompetent as I by drafting in the on-line competitions which also seems to work wonders for ensuring that you end up at the top of the overall standings...
Then again, I could always get myself a sentient, semi-omnipotent pig that communicates with me telepathically and set up shop in a remote barn somewhere and get my fantasy advice imparted to me that way, which also seems to do the trick year in and year out, too.
"Bar am ewe, Lindy. Don't draft Pujols, he'll F-U"
But where was I? Oh right...I found out recently that there is actually a guy in a North Korean prison camp who's better at this shit than me that drafted better teams than I did this year.
In this photo: A guy in a North Korean prison camp who is better at this shit than me and drafted better teams than I did this
year.
However, drafting fantasy baseball teams from a North Korean prison camp does have it's disadvantages...
In this photo: What happens happens when you draft Hanley F*cking Ramirez in the first round of most of your drafts in a North Korean prison camp.
That's right, it's not a laughing matter. And neither is Josh Hamilton, Stephen Strasburg, BJ Upton, John Axford, JJ Putz...well you get the idea. Oh and did I mention that bust Pujols somewhere earlier already?
I do have the uncanny knack, however, of being able to draft guys who can't stay on the field with every idiotic malady, affliction, illness, or injury ever concocted...I mean seriously, does Michael Morse really need to take a game off with f*cking eye irritation?!! I'd love to be able to take a day off from work and still get paid millions when I wake up with an eye lash in my eye that's bugging me. Fucking ludicrous! (I left the asterisk out to see if the sensors are still reading the rest of the way 
And this just in: Matt Kemp will be out indefinitely with a severe case of acute "blue balls".
Also, when exactly did Miley Cyrus morph into the chick from the '80's band, "Til Tuesday"?
In this photo: What used to be Miley Cyrus
In this photo: The chick from the '80's band, "Til Tuesday"
I'm not quite sure, but I think I just insulted the chick from "Til Tuesday".
And note to all "celebrities" of today's younger generation: When you try to whack yourself out in an effort to be more interesting by showing off how "cutting edge" and "hip" you are, you are actually making yourself look f*cking stupid and bizarre! And FYI, this is not hiding the fact that you have virtually zero talent. So here's some advice: You want people to be interested in you for doing something out of the box? Then just do what the celebs of old did back in the day: pose nude for Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse, Oui, Cheri, Swank, or one of those other fine publications before you go ahead and mutilate yourselves. Works because nudity never goes out of style!
Editor's Note: The author of this column would like it known that extensive research needed to be done in an effort to come up with the names of the preceding publications, and that he had no prior experience or knowledge of these these disgusting magazines until now.
And while I'm on the subject of celebrities, note to Angelina Jolie: Having your completely healthy breasts removed as a "preventative measure" because doctors have convinced you that you're genetically predisposed to perhaps getting cancer someday doesn't make you brave, a hero, or an inspiration. It makes you an idiot! Now before any of you reading this get all self-righteous and indignant, do the non-pharmaceutical/medically funded research on this, and you will begin to realize just how asinine it is. And while you're at it, ask yourself this question as a guy who's reading this: When was the last time you heard a doctor or a medical expert (male of course) come out publicly and announce that the best way to prevent getting testicular cancer in men who are genetically predisposed to it is to cut off your friggin' balls?!!!! 
Will never f *cking happen because we men need those. Same with prostate cancer which is about on par with breast cancer in women in terms of cases contracted and deaths annually. Curious how women seem to have the quickly expendable body parts and organs for some reason, but interesting how men do not. Go figure. Great book called "Malepractice" How Doctors Manipulate Women by Dr. Robert Mendelsohn. Read it first, and then come back to me and tell me I'm full of shit. Still not convinced? Order a copy of a documentary entitled "Cancer-The Forbidden Cures". Watch it and then come back to me after you recover from your shock and outrage of how the medical establishment in this country treats cancer, and then again feel free to tell me I'm full of shit.
So in the meantime, we can all watch now as the number of currently perfectly healthy women, yet genetically predisposed to cancer, start lining up to have their tits lopped off because the brave and heroic Angelina fucking Jolie has made it sheikh to do so! What's next? Maybe people suffering from chronic allergies should just start removing their noses in prevention because medicine can't solve this issue either. We can replace those with good plastic surgery as well, just like Angelina's knockers... And now a tribute to Angelina's breasts in happier times... 
What a complete waste of a perfectly good rack...
All of this made me think that it might be a good idea to take this medical approach to "preventative" health care and apply it to baseball in an effort to avoid certain players who are predisposed to running high speed into outfield walls in a vein and stupid attempt to defy the laws of physics and prove that they are in the non-pussy minority among their fellow ballplayers.
Maybe MLB could just start to prophylactically remove the fences in certain ballparks. That would be particularly helpful in Washington for instance. And note to Byrce Harper: Running full tilt with reckless abandon until you do a face plant into an outfield wall knocking yourself out of the game for a few days, doesn't make you a "gamer" or endear you to your fans. As a matter of fact, it makes you almost as big an imbecile as Angelina Jolie. Almost...
And now a tribute to Bryce Harper's breasts in happier times...
Okay, bad idea.
And speaking of topless celebrities. Did anyone catch how last week, some sick, twisted, and filthy rich pervert who had run out of things to blow his money on, went out and purchased a painting of a nude Bea Arthur at auction for $1.9 million?!!! Just for the record, this is Bea Arthur probably looking at her best as the famous t.v. character, Maude from back in the 70's...
Needless to say, menopause did not treat this poor woman kindly (I believe she went through it actually at the age of 21 ) Although guys like Joe "Showtime" Thelen may find this insulting because they get off on nude Bea Arthur, but he would be in the distinct minority. And now some whacking material for those of you like Thelen who are interested in seeing what went for $1.9 million.
Yes, I shit you not. Okay...I need to get that image out of my head.
Oops! That was Harper again. Put that one in for Zola.
That's better.
I was just thinking, ever notice how "angel hair" is probably the only type of hair that you could get away with naming a pasta for and people would still eat it? I mean, what marketing genius thought of that branding idea?
Marketing Team: "Yes, we are having difficulty coming up with a cute name for thin, hair-like spaghetti, but what do you have Bob?"
Bob: "Well, what did you guys come up with so far?"
Marketing Team:"We have pretty much narrowed it down to monkey, yak, and pubic as our favorites, but Joe's still partial to vagina and goat."
Bob: "Hmmm, I dunno guys. Don't you think we should soften it up a bit to make it a bit more palatable for the consumer to want to try it?"
Joe: "What could possibly be more palatable than 'vagina hair pasta'?
Marketing Team: "He makes a good point there, Bob."
Bob: "Yeah, but don't women have to want to eat it, too?'
Joe: "Even better! Who are we to judge?"
Bob: "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that women won't go for it, regardless of their sexual orientation especially when you introduce tomato sauce into the equation..."
Marketing Team and Joe: Good point.
Bob: "We need to come up with the hair from someone or something that is so innocent, pure, and dare I say, holy, that the consumer will be so completely distracted from the fact that they are actually eating a food associated with hair..."
You can kind of see how it went from there. Thus how the creative juices sometimes get flowing in boardrooms all across America every day in this great country of ours.
And this just in courtesy of Wikipedia:
Angel hair or siliceous cotton is a sticky, fibrous substance reported in connection with UFO sightings, or manifestations of the Virgin Mary. It has been described as being like a cobweb or a jelly.
It is named for its similarity to fine hair, or spider webs. Reports of angel hair say that it disintegrates or evaporates within a short time of forming. One theory among ufologists is that it is created from "ionized air sleeting off an electromagnetic field" that surrounds a UFO, although in some cases the substance was found to be the web threads of migrating spiders. Angel hair is an important aspect of the UFO religion Raëlism.
Who knew? Can't make this shit up, boys and girls...
Back hopefully in the not too distant future with more observations and shenanigans. Post your praises, comments, and attacks as you see fit.
-MTM
Now that being said, let me just lead with the obvious: I f*cking blow at fantasy baseball!. That's right, I said it. You've all been trying to tell me for a long time, but I refused to listen. However, I have finally come to the harsh realization that I don't have a f*cking clue when it comes to this shit. Yes, yes, I could easily take the tact of such notable "winners" as Mark Srebro aka "Gekko" and play the law of averages by drafting 150 DC teams in the hopes of finishing first in several of them
Or I could likewise employ the strategy by some others of you who shall remain nameless who like to prey on the rank and file of the equally delusional and incompetent as I by drafting in the on-line competitions which also seems to work wonders for ensuring that you end up at the top of the overall standings...
Then again, I could always get myself a sentient, semi-omnipotent pig that communicates with me telepathically and set up shop in a remote barn somewhere and get my fantasy advice imparted to me that way, which also seems to do the trick year in and year out, too.
"Bar am ewe, Lindy. Don't draft Pujols, he'll F-U"
But where was I? Oh right...I found out recently that there is actually a guy in a North Korean prison camp who's better at this shit than me that drafted better teams than I did this year.
In this photo: A guy in a North Korean prison camp who is better at this shit than me and drafted better teams than I did this
year.
However, drafting fantasy baseball teams from a North Korean prison camp does have it's disadvantages...
In this photo: What happens happens when you draft Hanley F*cking Ramirez in the first round of most of your drafts in a North Korean prison camp.
That's right, it's not a laughing matter. And neither is Josh Hamilton, Stephen Strasburg, BJ Upton, John Axford, JJ Putz...well you get the idea.
Oh and did I mention that bust Pujols somewhere earlier already?I do have the uncanny knack, however, of being able to draft guys who can't stay on the field with every idiotic malady, affliction, illness, or injury ever concocted...I mean seriously, does Michael Morse really need to take a game off with f*cking eye irritation?!! I'd love to be able to take a day off from work and still get paid millions when I wake up with an eye lash in my eye that's bugging me. Fucking ludicrous! (I left the asterisk out to see if the sensors are still reading the rest of the way
And this just in: Matt Kemp will be out indefinitely with a severe case of acute "blue balls". Also, when exactly did Miley Cyrus morph into the chick from the '80's band, "Til Tuesday"?
In this photo: What used to be Miley Cyrus
In this photo: The chick from the '80's band, "Til Tuesday"
I'm not quite sure, but I think I just insulted the chick from "Til Tuesday".
And note to all "celebrities" of today's younger generation: When you try to whack yourself out in an effort to be more interesting by showing off how "cutting edge" and "hip" you are, you are actually making yourself look f*cking stupid and bizarre! And FYI, this is not hiding the fact that you have virtually zero talent. So here's some advice: You want people to be interested in you for doing something out of the box? Then just do what the celebs of old did back in the day: pose nude for Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse, Oui, Cheri, Swank, or one of those other fine publications before you go ahead and mutilate yourselves. Works because nudity never goes out of style!
Editor's Note: The author of this column would like it known that extensive research needed to be done in an effort to come up with the names of the preceding publications, and that he had no prior experience or knowledge of these these disgusting magazines until now.
And while I'm on the subject of celebrities, note to Angelina Jolie: Having your completely healthy breasts removed as a "preventative measure" because doctors have convinced you that you're genetically predisposed to perhaps getting cancer someday doesn't make you brave, a hero, or an inspiration. It makes you an idiot!
Now before any of you reading this get all self-righteous and indignant, do the non-pharmaceutical/medically funded research on this, and you will begin to realize just how asinine it is. And while you're at it, ask yourself this question as a guy who's reading this: When was the last time you heard a doctor or a medical expert (male of course) come out publicly and announce that the best way to prevent getting testicular cancer in men who are genetically predisposed to it is to cut off your friggin' balls?!!!! Will never f *cking happen because we men need those. Same with prostate cancer which is about on par with breast cancer in women in terms of cases contracted and deaths annually. Curious how women seem to have the quickly expendable body parts and organs for some reason, but interesting how men do not. Go figure. Great book called "Malepractice" How Doctors Manipulate Women by Dr. Robert Mendelsohn. Read it first, and then come back to me and tell me I'm full of shit. Still not convinced? Order a copy of a documentary entitled "Cancer-The Forbidden Cures". Watch it and then come back to me after you recover from your shock and outrage of how the medical establishment in this country treats cancer, and then again feel free to tell me I'm full of shit. So in the meantime, we can all watch now as the number of currently perfectly healthy women, yet genetically predisposed to cancer, start lining up to have their tits lopped off because the brave and heroic Angelina fucking Jolie has made it sheikh to do so!
What's next? Maybe people suffering from chronic allergies should just start removing their noses in prevention because medicine can't solve this issue either. We can replace those with good plastic surgery as well, just like Angelina's knockers... And now a tribute to Angelina's breasts in happier times... What a complete waste of a perfectly good rack...
All of this made me think that it might be a good idea to take this medical approach to "preventative" health care and apply it to baseball in an effort to avoid certain players who are predisposed to running high speed into outfield walls in a vein and stupid attempt to defy the laws of physics and prove that they are in the non-pussy minority among their fellow ballplayers.
Maybe MLB could just start to prophylactically remove the fences in certain ballparks. That would be particularly helpful in Washington for instance. And note to Byrce Harper: Running full tilt with reckless abandon until you do a face plant into an outfield wall knocking yourself out of the game for a few days, doesn't make you a "gamer" or endear you to your fans. As a matter of fact, it makes you almost as big an imbecile as Angelina Jolie. Almost... And now a tribute to Bryce Harper's breasts in happier times...
Okay, bad idea.
And speaking of topless celebrities. Did anyone catch how last week, some sick, twisted, and filthy rich pervert who had run out of things to blow his money on, went out and purchased a painting of a nude Bea Arthur at auction for $1.9 million?!!! Just for the record, this is Bea Arthur probably looking at her best as the famous t.v. character, Maude from back in the 70's...
Needless to say, menopause did not treat this poor woman kindly (I believe she went through it actually at the age of 21
) Although guys like Joe "Showtime" Thelen may find this insulting because they get off on nude Bea Arthur, but he would be in the distinct minority. And now some whacking material for those of you like Thelen who are interested in seeing what went for $1.9 million. Yes, I shit you not. Okay...I need to get that image out of my head.
Oops! That was Harper again. Put that one in for Zola.
That's better.
I was just thinking, ever notice how "angel hair" is probably the only type of hair that you could get away with naming a pasta for and people would still eat it?
I mean, what marketing genius thought of that branding idea? Marketing Team: "Yes, we are having difficulty coming up with a cute name for thin, hair-like spaghetti, but what do you have Bob?"
Bob: "Well, what did you guys come up with so far?"
Marketing Team:"We have pretty much narrowed it down to monkey, yak, and pubic as our favorites, but Joe's still partial to vagina and goat."
Bob: "Hmmm, I dunno guys. Don't you think we should soften it up a bit to make it a bit more palatable for the consumer to want to try it?"
Joe: "What could possibly be more palatable than 'vagina hair pasta'?
Marketing Team: "He makes a good point there, Bob."
Bob: "Yeah, but don't women have to want to eat it, too?'
Joe: "Even better! Who are we to judge?"
Bob: "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that women won't go for it, regardless of their sexual orientation especially when you introduce tomato sauce into the equation..."
Marketing Team and Joe: Good point.
Bob: "We need to come up with the hair from someone or something that is so innocent, pure, and dare I say, holy, that the consumer will be so completely distracted from the fact that they are actually eating a food associated with hair..."
You can kind of see how it went from there. Thus how the creative juices sometimes get flowing in boardrooms all across America every day in this great country of ours.
And this just in courtesy of Wikipedia:
Angel hair or siliceous cotton is a sticky, fibrous substance reported in connection with UFO sightings, or manifestations of the Virgin Mary. It has been described as being like a cobweb or a jelly.
It is named for its similarity to fine hair, or spider webs. Reports of angel hair say that it disintegrates or evaporates within a short time of forming. One theory among ufologists is that it is created from "ionized air sleeting off an electromagnetic field" that surrounds a UFO, although in some cases the substance was found to be the web threads of migrating spiders. Angel hair is an important aspect of the UFO religion Raëlism.
Who knew? Can't make this shit up, boys and girls...
Back hopefully in the not too distant future with more observations and shenanigans. Post your praises, comments, and attacks as you see fit.
-MTM
There's an idea for next year, draft the guy in the big event and call your team MIKE AND IKE. I'm sure he can hit .200 next year. Maybe.
