Your Mother Stinks Too!
Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 6:06 am
I'm getting a little bored with the drafts and the bits of positive spin put on them from folks. So here is a review from the pessimistic side of me....
1. Joey Votto-
Really? He sounds like an opponent for Rocky Balboa.
Depression has set in right away.But that's only right, Votto knows a thing or two about depression already.
2. Ian Kinsler-
You can't be serious!
This guy INVENTED the DL.
He's been hurt so muchover the last five years, fellow Ranger players admire how good the Rook looks at 2b.
3. Buster Posey-
This is getting to be a joke. How many Balboa foes can this idiot draft?
Posey was in the right place at the right time last year, most likely, a one-hit (a week) wonder.
4. Jared Weaver-
Somehow, this guy led the majors in k's last year. How many times can he face Seattle this year?
5. Adrian Beltre-
Continuing the 'Rocky' theme....Yo Adrian!
Of course in baseball, "Yo Adrian", is followed by, "when are you going to play well, when it's NOT a contract year!"
6. Carlos Marmol.
'Marmol' in English, means 'smoke 'em if you got him'.
You never know what you're going to get with Marmol. He had many innings last year where not a fair ball was hit....He still gave up runs
7. Curtis Granderson.
He is afraid of three things. Snakes, spiders, and southpaws. Unfortunatly, the latter scares the bejeezus out of him most.
His batting average would be nice.....if he were bowling.
8. Michael Young-
Weaver is his only starter and he takes Michael 'freakin' Young?
Young can't throw!
And where will he play?
I don't mean position....I mean, city..
9. Angel Pagan-
He's gonna need 'angel's'!
Enough with the hitting!
"Now pitching for the DOUGHBOYS, Jamie Moyer!"
What a maroon!
10. Nick Swisher-
He married the hottie from the tv show over the off season.
Can she throw?
11. Colby Lewis-
Finally! Somebody that can throw.
Of course, he throws in one of the best hitting parks in baseball.
MVP in Japan.
Not here.
12. Francisco Cordero-
Great.
You've selected a closer, who has a reliever buddy that throws 10 mph faster.
How long does he have this job?
You'll have to count on some 'Dusty' mismanagement here.
13. Ike Davis-
That's it, hitters in pitchers parks, and pitchers in hitters parks.
Maybe someday you'll get a pick right.....This ain't the day.
14. Sean Rodriguez-
Golly, he can really hit, can't he?
IN THE MINOR LEAGUES!
He doesn't even have a secure job. With that in mind, we can call him, 'America's pick'.
15. Ryan Raburn-
Oooh, went for the sexy pick.
Of course, Leyland loves Boesch and is looking for any excuse to get him in the lineup, and the way Raburn hits over the first half of the season, he may be getting splinters within a week.
Feel the raBURN!
16. Ervin Santana--
As a number three? Bleeeeccch!
Two years ago, he got killed every game away from home. Since then, he's not so picky.
17. Omar Infante-
Is this guy gonna break double digits in any category?
Only Batting Average.
But, he can give you those mundane numbers at three different positions. Congratulations!
18. Brandon League-
A League of his own. Too bad it's AAAA.
He's only warming up the spot for Aardsma's return. Nice pick.
19. Scott Baker-
Remember the name 'Home Run Baker'?
Well, this Baker does it from a pitching perspective. He vacationed with his wife at Yellowstone Park during the off season, and gave up two homers there.
The only way your hitters get their power numbers is if Baker can pitch every three days and against your hitters.
20. Ben Francisco-
If Philadelphia's injuries continue, Francisco may get to hit near Ruiz.
Francisco holds the fort till Dominick Brown comes back, then rides the pine....or is that maple now too?.
21. Jake Westbrook-
A former Indian coming back from Tommy John.
Yeah, nice pick, Meat!
22. Alexi Casilla-
I hate him, his organization hates him, you'll hate him too.
23. Jonny Venters-
A left handed Carlos Marmol. And when when will he close?
The Phils are the only team he matches up well against. Like a boogerless finger, a wasted pick.
24. Bud Norris-
This guy went to a carnival and tried to knock those three bottles off the table.
When finished, the only things left standing at the carnival were the three bottles on the table.
25. Ivan Nova-
Yankee fans, meet the new Steinbrenners!
Too cheap to even buy 4th and 5th starting pitchers. Instead, they settle for Nova and Garcia. You better hope the Yankees wear their hitting shoes when they pitch.
26. Jed Lowrie-
'Come, and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed'.
Hardly plays, but still manages to get hurt.
If looking to top the Kinsler pick for injurability, job well done.
27. Rafael Soriano-
Why didn't the Yankees stretch this guy out?
Gun shy after Joba!
It would have made some sense.
Soriano was a consolation signing after missing out on Cliff Lee, and probably a consolation prize on this team.
28. Wilson Ramos-
He has promise.
The same promise you get from a good looking girl that she'll be back in touch with you.
29. Kevin Slowey-
This guy will be in the bullpen putting gum on rookies hats and giving players hotfoots.
A perfect fit for this joke of a roster.
30. Joakim Benoit-
The perfect finish.
Everybody questioned why an 8th inning guy got paid so much.
Now, they'll question why an 8th inning guy is your end game.
Brilliant!
So there you have it.
My alter-ego went 30 rounds and didn't get one pick right.
If there is a door prize for finishing last, this team could be money.
1. Joey Votto-
Really? He sounds like an opponent for Rocky Balboa.
Depression has set in right away.But that's only right, Votto knows a thing or two about depression already.
2. Ian Kinsler-
You can't be serious!
This guy INVENTED the DL.
He's been hurt so muchover the last five years, fellow Ranger players admire how good the Rook looks at 2b.
3. Buster Posey-
This is getting to be a joke. How many Balboa foes can this idiot draft?
Posey was in the right place at the right time last year, most likely, a one-hit (a week) wonder.
4. Jared Weaver-
Somehow, this guy led the majors in k's last year. How many times can he face Seattle this year?
5. Adrian Beltre-
Continuing the 'Rocky' theme....Yo Adrian!
Of course in baseball, "Yo Adrian", is followed by, "when are you going to play well, when it's NOT a contract year!"
6. Carlos Marmol.
'Marmol' in English, means 'smoke 'em if you got him'.
You never know what you're going to get with Marmol. He had many innings last year where not a fair ball was hit....He still gave up runs
7. Curtis Granderson.
He is afraid of three things. Snakes, spiders, and southpaws. Unfortunatly, the latter scares the bejeezus out of him most.
His batting average would be nice.....if he were bowling.
8. Michael Young-
Weaver is his only starter and he takes Michael 'freakin' Young?
Young can't throw!
And where will he play?
I don't mean position....I mean, city..
9. Angel Pagan-
He's gonna need 'angel's'!
Enough with the hitting!
"Now pitching for the DOUGHBOYS, Jamie Moyer!"
What a maroon!
10. Nick Swisher-
He married the hottie from the tv show over the off season.
Can she throw?
11. Colby Lewis-
Finally! Somebody that can throw.
Of course, he throws in one of the best hitting parks in baseball.
MVP in Japan.
Not here.
12. Francisco Cordero-
Great.
You've selected a closer, who has a reliever buddy that throws 10 mph faster.
How long does he have this job?
You'll have to count on some 'Dusty' mismanagement here.
13. Ike Davis-
That's it, hitters in pitchers parks, and pitchers in hitters parks.
Maybe someday you'll get a pick right.....This ain't the day.
14. Sean Rodriguez-
Golly, he can really hit, can't he?
IN THE MINOR LEAGUES!
He doesn't even have a secure job. With that in mind, we can call him, 'America's pick'.
15. Ryan Raburn-
Oooh, went for the sexy pick.
Of course, Leyland loves Boesch and is looking for any excuse to get him in the lineup, and the way Raburn hits over the first half of the season, he may be getting splinters within a week.
Feel the raBURN!
16. Ervin Santana--
As a number three? Bleeeeccch!
Two years ago, he got killed every game away from home. Since then, he's not so picky.
17. Omar Infante-
Is this guy gonna break double digits in any category?
Only Batting Average.
But, he can give you those mundane numbers at three different positions. Congratulations!
18. Brandon League-
A League of his own. Too bad it's AAAA.
He's only warming up the spot for Aardsma's return. Nice pick.
19. Scott Baker-
Remember the name 'Home Run Baker'?
Well, this Baker does it from a pitching perspective. He vacationed with his wife at Yellowstone Park during the off season, and gave up two homers there.
The only way your hitters get their power numbers is if Baker can pitch every three days and against your hitters.
20. Ben Francisco-
If Philadelphia's injuries continue, Francisco may get to hit near Ruiz.
Francisco holds the fort till Dominick Brown comes back, then rides the pine....or is that maple now too?.
21. Jake Westbrook-
A former Indian coming back from Tommy John.
Yeah, nice pick, Meat!
22. Alexi Casilla-
I hate him, his organization hates him, you'll hate him too.
23. Jonny Venters-
A left handed Carlos Marmol. And when when will he close?
The Phils are the only team he matches up well against. Like a boogerless finger, a wasted pick.
24. Bud Norris-
This guy went to a carnival and tried to knock those three bottles off the table.
When finished, the only things left standing at the carnival were the three bottles on the table.
25. Ivan Nova-
Yankee fans, meet the new Steinbrenners!
Too cheap to even buy 4th and 5th starting pitchers. Instead, they settle for Nova and Garcia. You better hope the Yankees wear their hitting shoes when they pitch.
26. Jed Lowrie-
'Come, and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed'.
Hardly plays, but still manages to get hurt.
If looking to top the Kinsler pick for injurability, job well done.
27. Rafael Soriano-
Why didn't the Yankees stretch this guy out?
Gun shy after Joba!
It would have made some sense.
Soriano was a consolation signing after missing out on Cliff Lee, and probably a consolation prize on this team.
28. Wilson Ramos-
He has promise.
The same promise you get from a good looking girl that she'll be back in touch with you.
29. Kevin Slowey-
This guy will be in the bullpen putting gum on rookies hats and giving players hotfoots.
A perfect fit for this joke of a roster.
30. Joakim Benoit-
The perfect finish.
Everybody questioned why an 8th inning guy got paid so much.
Now, they'll question why an 8th inning guy is your end game.
Brilliant!
So there you have it.
My alter-ego went 30 rounds and didn't get one pick right.
If there is a door prize for finishing last, this team could be money.
