Anything For a Laugh

[DOUGHBOYS]

I was challenged by an NFBC person to write my own style of Roto News based on real snipets.
I'm up for that, let's give it a whirl.

Theirs-
'Carlos Gonzalez will not undergo an MRI after being scratched from Monday's rehab appearance due to ongoing discomfort in his sprained right middle finger.
The Denver Post's Troy Renck said the pain in CarGo's finger isn't any worse than before, but it was just feeling too stiff to play with Monday. He'll be re-evaluated in Denver on Tuesday before the Rockies determine whether he might return sometime later this month '

Mine-
'Carlos Gonzalez will not undergo an MRI after being scratched from Monday's rehab appearance due to ongoing discomfort in his sprained right middle finger.'
CarGo is doing his now annual September fade. He has three homers in the last three Septembers and significantly less at bats in this month than others.
While CarGo is tending to his finger, his owners are all giving him one of their own.

Theirs-
'Yasiel Puig (knee) will not play on Tuesday.
Puig has dealt with some stiffness behind his right knee recently, and he aggravated the ailment on a slide during Monday's game. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but the Dodgers will play it safely with their young stud'

Mine
Yasiel Puig (knee) will not play on Tuesday.
Expect this to happen the rest of the year. Expect it to happen next year if drafted.
For many reasons, Yasiel Puig will miss many games.
His casual play on easy plays puts him in the dog house. His all out plays put him on the trainers table.
He plays like a pinball, but beware, that very pinball likely has more baseball savvy than Puig.

Theirs-
'Jeremy Hellickson could rejoin the Rays' rotation on Wednesday.
It will likely either be him or Roberto Hernandez, with an outside shot at a bullpen start. Hellickson was sent down last week after posting a 9.15 ERA over 20 2/3 innings in August, but the Rays are hoping he'll feel recharged after getting some extra rest. '

Mine-
Jeremy Hellickson could rejoin the Rays' rotation on Wednesday.
So, it has come down to this for the Rays.
Roberto Hernadez or Jerome Hellickson. Even seeing that sentence makes Hellickson owners and drafters swallow hard.
Being compared to Roberto Hernandez in baseball is like an actress being compared to Roseann Barr.
'Experience' be damned, the Rays would be better off in starting Jake Odorizzi.

Theirs-
'Travis Wood allowed four runs over seven innings Monday in a loss to the Marlins.
All the damage came from the long ball, as he allowed a solo home run to Christian Yelich in the first inning and a three-run blast to opposing pitcher Henderson Alvarez in the second. Wood struck out three and walked two in the loss. He'll carry a 3.17 ERA into a start against the Brewers this weekend. '

Mine-
Travis Wood allowed four runs over seven innings Monday in a loss to the Marlins.
By now, we should know that we throw Wood to improve our ratios. This start doesn't improve our ratios.
Wood has won three games since June 1.
Three!
In two of those starts, Wood gave up zero earned runs, almost forcing the Cubs hand in giving him a Win.
Wood has been a great fantasy pitcher this year.
Unfortunately for him, the Cubs, as a team, have taken that greatness and beaten the crap out out of it with poor lineups and fielding, then pulverized it with their bad bullpen.
Turning that greatness into mere mediocrity for his owners.