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I've been thinking bout writing a short story (insert joke here) or maybe even something longer during the off season. I haven't decided the course of the story yet, but pretty sure it'll come from the mind of a somewhat grumpy guy who is normally happier when talking about or watching baseball.
A character that I've spent a lifetime researching.
Anyway, I thought I'd write a little and share some with you. Let me know how you feel, really.
Don't sugarcoat it... and don't be too gruff, just somewhere in the middle

A Day in the Life....


I went to the Doctor. He said, "you're gonna have to start an exercise regimen, starting with walking everyday."
"Like Joey Votto?"
"Who?"
"Never mind".
I told the Doc that I would walk as religiously as Adam Jones and we left each other with smiles on our faces.
His, bemused. Mine, amused.
After the visit, I checked out.
"With insurance, that'll be $42.56."
"4256? That's how many hits Pete Rose ended up with."
"Didn't he take steroids?"
"No, he....aw, Never mind"

I left the doctor's office and pulled up to a red light. When the light turned green, I thought about Jarrod Saltalablahblah.
Why does he have three sb's this month? Does somebody give him the green light all of a sudden?
Does he just decide to run?
Dude has more stolen bases in September than Michael Bourn.
Oh man! How many of these light changes have I sat through? Dude behind me is flipping me off.
Screw him.
Why am I using the word, 'dude' ?
He looks like that Japanese shortstop that plays for Toronto. Probably hits like him too.
Sissy.
One more light change won't hurt him.
Hurt.
Is this really the third straight September that CarGo will miss all or a part of?
Best four month player in baseball.
I thought the old fashion line was not to wear white after Labor Day, not a baseball uniform.

A tapping on my window. It's the little Asian fellow from the car behind me.
"I'm in a hurry. Can you make your car go?"
"I was just thinking about CarGo?!"
"Well, don't think about it!
Do it!"
"No, I mean, oh screw it and screw you too! If you played baseball, you'd be a judy."
"What position is that?"
"Never freakin' mind!!!"

I pulled into Subway.
"What can I make for you, Sir?"
Being a smartass, I piped up, "I'll have the same thing Mike Trout has when he eats here."
"Who's Mike Trout?"
I could feel the veins starting to pop. In my mind's eye, I was Lou Ferrigno-ing in a Subway line.
I felt like a Lone Ranger.
Worse, I felt like a Texas Ranger playing against an Oakland A. Fighting a losing battle.
I erupted.

"WHAT!?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO MIKE FREAKIN' TROUT IS?
HE'S ONE OF THE BEST PLAYERS IN BASEBALL!!!
THAT'S WHO HE IS!
HE CAN RUN, THROW, FIELD, HIT, AND HIT WITH POWER!!!
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLED? A FIVE TOOL PLAYER!
AND APPARENTLY, FOR NOW ANYWAYS, HAS REPLACED THAT FORMER FAT ASS OF SUBWAY'S AS THEIR SPOKESMAN!
THAT'S WHO MIKE TROUT IS!"

The sandwich person started to cry.
"Alright, alright, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go off on you. A long day, I'm sorry."
"Mister, I'm not crying because you yelled at me.
I'm crying because of poor Jared! Did he really lose his 'job'?"
I left. I left without my sandwich.
Screw that sandwich and screw Jared too!
What the Hell kinda world is this?

I left and went to a sports bar to eat.
I sat at a table and looked around at the 15 or so monitors.
All but one of them had football or the NFL Channel.
A little screen in the corner had soccer.
SOCCER!!!!!
"Excuse me, waiter?
I think the Cubs play in 20 minutes. Do you guys have WGN?"

"Double G What?"
"You know, the Cubs?"
"What league are they in? There's no football played during the day, is there?"
"No, it's baseball".
"Oh,,,,Baseball. We can let you have that corner screen over there with soccer on it, but you'll make three Englishman and one french guy pretty pissed off."
"Don't bother."
Again, I walked out without eating.
I wanted to walk like Adam Jones and not finding a place to eat has me walking like Adam Dunn.
And I'm whiffing at getting a lunch too.
It's turned into an Adam Dunn day. Walking and striking out.
I'll bet CC Sabathia never misses a lunch.
I can't believe those Yankee announcers were surmising that CC's bad year was because of coming to camp having lost soooo much weight.
Jared Sabathia.

I'll just go home. The Cubs start in 10 minutes.
I used to make sure I drafted one Cub a year. Just to make the broadcasts more enjoyable. I even did that during the Chip Carey days. Man, it's hard listening to Chip Carey.
Get a personality, willya Chip?
I haven't missed much this year though. Their tv duo is boring without Brenly. Easy to turn off the sound and just watch the game.
A sure sign that the guys in the booth add little to a game.
Stupid sports bar.
Would have been perfect for them in that we just watch, not listen.

I plop in my easy chair....Is their a better name for a product than 'easy chair'?
Turn on WGN and see a tarp covering the field.
They put advertisements on their damned tarp!
I swear, these baseball people nowadays would put a banner on their wives.
Back in the day, there were four, count 'em, four damned advertisements.
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Cars
Razors
Those were MAN ads.
Now they've got breast awareness (c'mon, I can't think of one American who is NOT breast aware) with the pink bats and shoes and gloves.
And the ads on tv have turned into some guy my age getting a come hither look from a girl and then a voice over explaining all the drawbacks about sleeping with this woman if he takes their pill.
Heart attack? Stroke? Four hours of an erection?
No problem.
Somehow, those old alcohol, cigarette, cars, and razors commercials made me feel a lot better about my masculinity.
I remember when television executives banned cigarette advertising because of the effects on children, especially boys.
I wonder how these boys feel when watching Viagra-like ads and thinking that in their 50's, the only way they could get laid is if they take a pill that could induce a heart attack or stroke.
The four hour erection is probably no problem since most teen boys come by it naturally.

My wife asks where I went for lunch.
"Subway and a sports bar."
"Both? What'd you have?"
"Nothing. Thanks to Jared, three Englishmen, and a french dude."
Is d'Arnaud French?
Why is he listed after 'Z' in the free agent pick ups?
Is he that bad?



So, whaddya think.
Is this just worthless gobbledygook? Or something of interest?
Let me know.

Funny and very interesting!

Funny STUFF Dan

I think there's an audience for this. I will green light it

Your idea of a baseball obsessed fan could have a lot of potential, especially here on a baseball message board, but so far you are not there.

I know it’s just a few paragraphs, and so it’s kind of difficult to make a judgment, but you asked and so here is my opinion .

Based on the first draft, you don’t have a story whose main character is a baseball obsessed fan. What you have written is a character in search of a story. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but let me explain.

You told us about the character going to the doctor, and Subway, and driving his car; not because the character had reasons to do these things (was he sick?) (was he meeting a contact at the fast food place?) (was he following a suspect in his car?). No. You seemingly only tell these encounters just to display the main characters one trait, baseball obsession.

And I understand the idea that a character singularly obsessed with baseball is kind of the point of your post, but without an over-arching story, it might get real old real fast. Reading about a guy that is constantly amazed/pissed that other people don’t know Babe Ruth has more career wins than Tim Lincecum will only go so far.

Take your tale of The Eternal Tree as an example. That was a story whose characters had attributes rooted in our (NFBC message board) collective conscience. Alex and King Bud and Sir Ryan are “characters” we know. However, you could easily have written the same story and posted it on a Political MB if you changed the characters to be named Mitt and Barack and Sarah. Or put it on a Business MB and use Paulson and Dimon and Fuld as main characters. It was the story that made The Eternal Tree interesting.

So…….I’m not telling you that you have to write a story about Lt. Dan Kenison; a bad-ass, break the rules cop that chases the bad guys while he fights his own personal demons stemming from his baseball obsession……… or…………The story of Dan Kenmiere, an accountant embroiled in a financial scandal that threatens to bring down the entire company because all his balance sheets mysteriously equal historically significant baseball numbers…………but without a story, you just have an elaborate version of Stuff.

Thanks for the comments.
Really appreciated.
In a roundabout way, I received an answer last night.

Last night I sat beside a Rockies fan. He was a little depressed about Helton retiring. I told him he should be happy. Helton has clogged the Rockies minor league system at first base for years. He's had good years, let him die in peace.
WHAAAAT!? He yelled (and he really did yell it)
He went on to tell me that Helton has been the cornerstone of the Rockies for 17 years and was a sure-fire Hall of Famer.

I had to temper my response. This was obviously A FAN. And one thing I've learned over the year's, is that a fan of a certain team does not see reality correctly and they are never, never wrong about THEIR team.
I told him that Helton was certainly a good ball player and if the Hall were less elite in their choices and more forgiving of a player who obtained most of his stats in a very hitter friendly park that Helton would have a shot at the Hall of Fame, but that the way things are now, I would not think that Helton gets in.

This was followed by Helton stats and how they were better than this Hall of Famer or that. He went on about his wonder years of the early 00's, especially his 2001 year. And more blah blah blah.
I asked him if he thought Troy Tulowitzki was also on his way to the Hall of Fame.
"Yes"
And CarGo
"Yes"
I asked him if his fandom had anything to do with those answers.
This only brought a wave of Tulo and CarGo comments that I already knew or did not care to know.
And while he was talking, I was equating him with the baseball obsessed character that I'd written about. Only his was of a narrower focus. That of just a fan for one team. And as he continued talking, I thought that the baseball obsessed character probably wouldn't work for short stories.
It might work for postings here and I may post a few, but I found this guy dull and too narrow minded and was afraid the baseball obsessed character would be seen the same way.
So, as he was finishing his Helton/Tulo/CarGo refrain, I thanked him, told him he was probably right, and walked away.