Who Discovered Mike Trout?

[DOUGHBOYS]

My wife is a little peeved at me. My Grandson is studying explorers in Middle School. At the same time, he is showing some interest in fantasy baseball. When my Grandson asked about explorers and my take, here is what he got....

On every test paper about explorers, you'll be asked who discovered America. It is a running joke that you'll answer Christopher Columbus. We even have a day named after him, so you don't forget to write down his name.
Let's say America is Mike Trout. We are the Indians. We already know of America. We know that Mike Trout has five tool goodness.
Then along comes the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria.
That happened in 1492.
Just remember that date by thinking if Ricky Henderson had stolen 86 more bases, he would have had 1492.
Anyway, everybody aboard these ships are 'experts'. Led by Columbus.
They'd heard stories about Mike Trout and America, but until they saw with their own eyes, they were not gonna risk their reputations by glorifying Trout or America till they could judge themselves.

In fact, there was thought to be an explorer named Amerigo Vespucci, we'll call him Shandler, who actually beat those three ships here. He took a look at Trout or America and shrugged his shoulders and went away.
He was a bad judge of what America or Trout had to offer. By the time Vespucci or Shandler had realized his mistake, it was too late. The glory had gone to others.

The Indians are us. The fantasy player. We're the ones who discovered America. We were here long before Vespucci or Shandler. We were here long before those ships of experts arrived.
We knew of the talents of Trout long before the others. But, the experts, especially Columbus, like to read about themselves and take credit.
They started writing back home about all the wonderful attributes of Trout and America. They wrote articles and even devoted books about America and Trout.
Soon, others arrived and we knew that our lives with America and Trout would never be the same.
We had Thanksgiving with these experts and several drafts were completed. We had auctions, we had snake drafts.
We all got along famously. Fun had by all.
Until the results were in. We beat them soundly.
Since then, only the experts are heard. And to this day, we do not get credit for discovering anything, not even Mike Trout.
We are banished to lands, hoping to avoid Iowa, Washington, Arizona and two other states so that we can play in the NFBC.
And that is why to this very day, even though we know that Indians were here first, we write on our test papers that Christopher Columbus, the first expert, discovered Mike Trout, I mean America.

One more explorer, Ponce De Leon.
It was said that he discovered the 'Fountain of Youth'. Folks would come from miles around to be bathed in this water.
It was a sham.
While in Florida, Ponce DeLeon had not discovered the fountain of youth. He had discovered steroids.
Yes, Florida really is the birth place of steroids.
DeLeon, no relation to Jose, would manufacture the steroids and drop them in a fountain. Although DeLeon and the fountain got credit for making a more youthful appearance for others, it was actually the drugs in the water that were doing the work.

Re-energized after bathing in this water, us Indians could work and hunt all day and still have enough energy to hold a four hour draft.
We did not allow Mike Trout or others to sit in these waters. It seemed like they were youthful enough and didn't need these waters as others did.
Still, I think some of them snuck in those waters.

My Grandson looked amused.
"Do you put fantasy baseball in every story?"
I told him I try because I remember things a little better that way.
"I hope I don't get mixed up and say that Columbus discovered Mike Trout!"
My wife intervened looking me dead in the eye and saying, "Yes, I sure hope that doesn't happen.... DOES IT!!!"
Yep, she was peeved.

I asked my Grandson what he was studying next.
"My teacher said that we may leap way ahead and study Kennedy and the assassination. It'll be 50 years this month that he was shot."
I told him that was cool, and that I would tell him about Carl Mays and Ray Chapman.
"Who?"
"NEVER MIND!!!", his Grandma said, giving me the stink eye.

A batter started digging in the dirt against Bob Gibson. Gibson, always annoyed by ANY hitter, yelled at the batter to keep digging till it was six feet.
The batter got the message and did not say a word as he went down to first base after being hit in the ass with the first pitch.
Going home with my wife, I was that batter.
Knowing what was coming.
Knowing there was nothing I could do to avoid it.
And knowing I would not say a word afterwards.

[Atlas]

And I thought I was crazy trying to work the Middle East capitals into a Taylor Swift song for my 12 year old.

[DOUGHBOYS]

There are 1000's of them, one for every situation or name, I'm sure.
Here's a few.....



Bay of Pigs = Drafting of Puig

4th of July = .475/15/6/16/4 daily score

New Years Day = Winning a player on FAAB and becoming one of our best hitters

Christmas = Draft Day

Custer = .067/0/0/0/0 daily score

Kardasians = Drafting a team, thinking little of them, only to have them shoot to the top

Hitler = The drafting of a team knowing we will conquer all, then slowly coming to grips with our demise

James Dean = Having a team that is King in April, only to crash and burn in June

Lance Armstrong = ARod

Jesse James = Billy Hamilton

John Gotti = Ryan Braun

John Kennedy = Derek Jeter

Third World Ruler = AAAA player

Elliot Ness = Outlaw

Cassius Clay = Gekko

Gettysburg Address = Lou Gehrig's farewell

The Cold War = Moe Berg

Lincoln/Douglas = Williams/DiMaggio

Kennedy/Nixon = Mantle/Mays

Neil Armstrong = Babe Ruth

The Roaring 20's followed by the depression = The Steroid Era followed by pitchers domination


I don't know why, but I feel I must insert this here-
A couple of years ago, a friend called me and said his girlfriend was getting tired of his fantasy habits and had given him the ultimatum that either she goes or fantasy goes.
She gave him 24 hours to think it over and it ws during this time that he called me.
My first reaction?
"How good is your fantasy team?"
I laugh about that now, but that was the first question that came to mind.
Not, are you serious about this girl?
Or, do you think this is the ONE?
And he didn't think the response was out of order either in explaining that his team was in third place, but had a good shot at passing the other two teams.
At the end of the call, I told him he had three options-
1- Drop the girl
2- Drop the fantasy team
3- Keep the girl and the fantasy team, but make sure they are never in the same place at the same time.
He chose number three.
But they broke up after he was congratulated at a bar by a league mate for his second place finish in front of her.
Whoops.
Since then, he has married and one of the prerequisites for that marriage is that fantasy will sometimes rule the day.
They're still married, so all's well that ends well.