Who Shot Deadheadz?
Posted: Thu Jan 30, 2014 7:43 pm
(Preface - This was written in fun and should not be taken personally by anyone involved)
So, in this pilot episode, the Toronto Police Department is investigating the shooting of fantasy league rookie Deadheadz, AKA “Black Sheep”, AKA “1080 inches”. We begin in the interrogation room.
Detective Ambrosius: Please state your name for the record
Doughboys: Dan Kenyon
Detective Ambrosius: Do you know Mr Headz?
Doughboys: Yes, I know him from the NFBC message boards.
Detective Ambrosius: Have you had any discussions with Mr Headz?
Doughboys: Yes, a few.
Detective Ambrosius: Would you say it was a pleasant conversation?
Doughboys: Not really.
Detective Kessenich: In fact, you actually had a small argument with the young man, didnt you?
Doughboys: I wouldn’t call it an argument, just a little difference of opinion.
Detective Kessenich: Oh no, it was more than that, Mr. Doughboys, you actually were very tough on the rookie, actually saying to him “I'm betting when people stand close to you, they can hear the ocean". "Time Wasted". Isn’t that a little harsh?
Doughboys: Maybe, but he was annoying me.
Detective Ambrosius: That seems like a common excuse from you people.
Doughboys: What do you mean “you people”?
Detective Ambrosius: Fantasy baseball experts
Doughboys: I am not an expert. I have never claimed that.
Detective Ambrosius: Isn’t it true you saw Mr. Headz in person on March 22, the night he was shot?
Doughboys: Yes, I saw him at the gym
Detective Kessenich: (holding back a giggle) You saw him at the gym?
Doughboys: Yes sir, I did.
Detective Ambrosius: And what were you doing there?
Doughboys: I was sitting at the juice bar.
Detective Kessenich: And what was Mr. Headz doing?
Doughboys: He was working out with a dumbbell.
Detective Ambrosius: Which one, Greenberg?
Doughboys: No, you know.. the weights… dumbbell weights?
Detective Ambrosius: And did you speak to him?
Doughboys: All I told him was, if he only used one dumbbell on one arm, and didn’t equal out the weight between arms, it would give him unbalanced muscles and he got really upset, saying something about being a newbie.
Detective Kessenich: Was that the last you saw him that night?
Doughboys: No, I saw him at the Toronto all night liquor store.
Detective Kessenich: And what were you doing there?
Doughboys: I was buying a bag of chips…
Detective Ambrosius: Chips? Because it happens to be that when Mr Headz was brought to the hospital, there was a bag of doritos found under his jacket. Are you sure you didn’t buy doritos?
Doughboys: OK, yes. I bought Doritos, but I didn’t shoot him.
Detective Kessenich: And can you prove where you were at 11:00 pm that evening?
Doughboys: Yes, I was with Alan (BK Mets) Greenberg, at his pre draft party. At least 100 people were there.
Detective Ambrosius: One more question, was there anyone else at the liquor store, that you recognized, when you were there?
Doughboys: Well, yeah there were some guys that were going to the party, I believe… Mark (Gekko) Srebro, KJ Duke, and Mike (MTM) Massotto, and a few others.
Detective Ambrosius: Well, Mr. Kenyon, we will be in touch. If you have any more information for us, please bring it in.
Doughboys: How is Deadheadz doing?
Detective Ambrosius: He is improving… and will be back on the boards, before you know it.
Doughboys: No need for threats...
(The detectives move on to the next interrogation room where Gekko sits)
Detective Ambrosius: Please share with us your name
Gekko: Mark Srebro
Detective Ambrosius: Where were you on the evening of March 22nd?
Gekko: I was home with my family, making my NL backup catcher projections.
Detective Ambrosius: We know you were at the Toronto all night liquor store around 9:30 pm.
Gekko: Yes sir, I was. I was getting a bottle of wine. 1936 Chardonnay.
Detective Ambrosius: Nice, is that year even possible for a Chardonnay?
Gekko: Actually it was a 1926.. or maybe 1826…
Detective Kessenich: Enough with the wine! Did you see Mr. Deadheadz at the store?
Gekko: I saw him at the store, but didn’t speak to him. Didn’t have the time. Needed to get back home. Did you hear that Juan Uribe gained 20 pounds of muscle this offseason? That has to equal at least 20 more home runs!!
Detective Kessenich: Isn’t it true that you did speak to him outside of the store?
Gekko: Ok, Yes, I did speak to him. It was a brief conversation. He initiated it.
Detective Ambrosius: What did he say?
Gekko: He just said something about trying to get on the NFBC message boards and I told him I didn’t know. He asked who I thought he should draft in the first round this year. Told him the 3rd base position was weak this year and Matt Dominquez could hit 40 HRs . Well worth a first round pick.
Detective Kessenich: Is that true?
Gekko: Is what true?
Detective Ambrosius: Do you not know how to get on the message boards from your cell phone?
Gekko: Don’t have much time for that anymore.
Detective Kessenich: Wait, What? Matt Dominquez is going to hit 40 HRs?
Gekko: Did I say 40? I meant 50.
Detective Ambrosius: So what did you do when you got home?
Gekko: When I got home, I was in an online draft. There were 14 other guys in the draft that can confirm I was in the draft room and my family can confirm I was home.
Detective Ambrosius: So were there any of the big names in the draft?
Gekko: No.
Detective Ambrosius: Ok then, we will be in touch.
(Detectives move on to the next room where Mike (MTM) Massotto is sitting)
Detective Ambrosius: Please state your name for the record
MTM: Mike
Detective Ambrosius: Last name?
MTM: (waiving his hand) You don’t need to know my last name
Detective Ambrosius: (in a daze) We don’t need to know your last name
Detective Kessenich: (in a daze) We don’t need to know your last name
MTM: Carry On
Detective Ambrosius: Where were you on the night of March 22nd
MTM: I went to a pre draft party at BK Mets’ house
Detective Ambrosius: What time did you arrive at the house?
MTM: Around 11:30 pm
Detective Kessenich: Aha! So where were you before that?
MTM: I went to the liquor store, picked up a few 6 packs for the party, and went to the house
Detective Kessenich: We have eyewitnesses that put you at the Toronto all night liquor store at 9:30. Where were you between 9:30 and 11:30? Did you see Mr Deadheadz?
MTM: No, I did not see him. I bought the beer and stayed in my car for about an hour, surfing the net on my cell phone. I went on the NFBC message boards for a little while, and then left for Alan’s house.
Detective Kessenich: How long would you say you were on the message boards?
MTM: about 30 minutes, I would say.
Detective Ambrosius: There is still a big gap in your story, Mike. The truth is, you were on the message boards for at least an hour and got into an argument with Mr. Deadheadz, isn’t that right?
MTM: No, I didn’t see him on the boards.
Detective Ambrosius: The last time anyone heard from Mr Deadheadz before he was shot, he was on the message boards. He had a conversation with you regarding the MTM Super, isn’t that correct?
MTM: No. I didn’t see him on the boards
Detective Kessenich: And isn’t it correct that you had an argument because he wouldn’t join the MTM Super league? Then you erased your message?
MTM: No and I would never get on anyone for not joining my league. It will fill. If it wasn’t for the frickin Super Auction, it would fill a lot quicker… but whatever.
Detective Ambrosius: You need to start telling the truth or you will be banned from the message boards.
MTM: The truth?
Detective Kessenich: Yes THE TRUTH!!
MTM: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! Boys, the boards are nothing without me! They need me for entertainment. Who’s going to do provide that without me, YOU Mr. Ambrosius? YOU Mr Kessenich? I have a greater responsibility than you can fathom. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes people laugh. You don’t have the luxury of having the talent that I have.
The truth is, you WANT me on those boards! You NEED me on those boards! I use words like Diamond and Platinum. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to men who rise and sleep with the entertainment that I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you", and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you post a message about the DC Draft #540, that is starting tomorrow. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Detective Ambrosius: Did you order the code Dead?
MTM: No, I did not.. (and he leaves the room)
Detective Kessenich: Dang, I thought we had the guy.
Detective Ambrosius: Nope, but I think I know who did it.
(Detectives move to the final room where KJ Duke is sitting)
Detective Ambrosius: State your name for the record
KJ Duke: Kevin…. wait, what is my last name again?.... oh just call me KJ Duke.
Detective Ambrosius: Where were you on the night of March 22nd?
KJ Duke: Well, to begin the evening, I closed a deal where Google acquired Apple Inc. for 980 Billion in cash and stock. Then we proceeded to convert all Apple products in North America, into Androids. Then I took a jog around Toronto, did an online draft for the FBPC and structured a new contract league called the MLBCDC KEEPER league.
Detective Kessenich: Aha! There is still a huge gap in your story.. Eyewitnesses put you at the Toronto all night liquor store at 9:30 PM.
KJ Duke: Yes, I was there. During my jog around the city, I stopped to get an Evian and a protein bar.
Detective Ambrosius: Did you see Mr. Deadheadz there?
KJ Duke: Yes, he was trying to get online with his smart phone. It was an Iphone, so I refused.
Detective Kessenich: Did that upset him that you refused?
KJ Duke: No, he just said something about being a newbie and he gets no respect.
Detective Ambrosius: And what did you do then?
KJ Duke: I drove out and I did see someone driving out of control into the parking lot, but I didn’t stay to watch. I was going to have a latte with Larry Page in Michigan, and had to get home to San Diego to make my pick in my DC league. Plus I like to go to sleep early, around 11:30pm
Detective Kessenich: Now, how is it possible for you to get home by 11:30 pm if you were in Toronto at 9:30 pm, then Michigan after that for a meeting with Larry Page?
KJ Duke: 11:30 Pacific Time
Detective Kessenich: Gotcha, that makes sense.
Detective Ambrosius: Wait, did you notice the make of the car that was driving out of control into the liquor store parking lot?
KJ Duke: No, but I am pretty sure it was a woman… blonde.
Detective Ambrosius: I KNEW IT!!!
Detective Kessenich: Who was it?
KJ Duke: Yeah who?
Detective Ambrosius: Marissa Meyer, CEO of Yahoo! KJ Duke organizes the takeover of Apple, by Google, and who loses? Yahoo! And she is a former top executive from Google. It all makes sense now.
KJ Duke: So, she was upset that I organized the takeover, then why didn’t she shoot me?
Detective Kessenich: Actually, none of that mattered. Yahoo’s largest current money maker is fantasy sports. And losing Deadheadz was the final straw. She must have lost it.
KJ Duke: Wow I did not see that one coming. I thought for sure it was Greenberg.
Detective Ambrosius: Wait, why didn’t we interview Greenberg?
KJ Duke: Oops.
So, in this pilot episode, the Toronto Police Department is investigating the shooting of fantasy league rookie Deadheadz, AKA “Black Sheep”, AKA “1080 inches”. We begin in the interrogation room.
Detective Ambrosius: Please state your name for the record
Doughboys: Dan Kenyon
Detective Ambrosius: Do you know Mr Headz?
Doughboys: Yes, I know him from the NFBC message boards.
Detective Ambrosius: Have you had any discussions with Mr Headz?
Doughboys: Yes, a few.
Detective Ambrosius: Would you say it was a pleasant conversation?
Doughboys: Not really.
Detective Kessenich: In fact, you actually had a small argument with the young man, didnt you?
Doughboys: I wouldn’t call it an argument, just a little difference of opinion.
Detective Kessenich: Oh no, it was more than that, Mr. Doughboys, you actually were very tough on the rookie, actually saying to him “I'm betting when people stand close to you, they can hear the ocean". "Time Wasted". Isn’t that a little harsh?
Doughboys: Maybe, but he was annoying me.
Detective Ambrosius: That seems like a common excuse from you people.
Doughboys: What do you mean “you people”?
Detective Ambrosius: Fantasy baseball experts
Doughboys: I am not an expert. I have never claimed that.
Detective Ambrosius: Isn’t it true you saw Mr. Headz in person on March 22, the night he was shot?
Doughboys: Yes, I saw him at the gym
Detective Kessenich: (holding back a giggle) You saw him at the gym?
Doughboys: Yes sir, I did.
Detective Ambrosius: And what were you doing there?
Doughboys: I was sitting at the juice bar.
Detective Kessenich: And what was Mr. Headz doing?
Doughboys: He was working out with a dumbbell.
Detective Ambrosius: Which one, Greenberg?
Doughboys: No, you know.. the weights… dumbbell weights?
Detective Ambrosius: And did you speak to him?
Doughboys: All I told him was, if he only used one dumbbell on one arm, and didn’t equal out the weight between arms, it would give him unbalanced muscles and he got really upset, saying something about being a newbie.
Detective Kessenich: Was that the last you saw him that night?
Doughboys: No, I saw him at the Toronto all night liquor store.
Detective Kessenich: And what were you doing there?
Doughboys: I was buying a bag of chips…
Detective Ambrosius: Chips? Because it happens to be that when Mr Headz was brought to the hospital, there was a bag of doritos found under his jacket. Are you sure you didn’t buy doritos?
Doughboys: OK, yes. I bought Doritos, but I didn’t shoot him.
Detective Kessenich: And can you prove where you were at 11:00 pm that evening?
Doughboys: Yes, I was with Alan (BK Mets) Greenberg, at his pre draft party. At least 100 people were there.
Detective Ambrosius: One more question, was there anyone else at the liquor store, that you recognized, when you were there?
Doughboys: Well, yeah there were some guys that were going to the party, I believe… Mark (Gekko) Srebro, KJ Duke, and Mike (MTM) Massotto, and a few others.
Detective Ambrosius: Well, Mr. Kenyon, we will be in touch. If you have any more information for us, please bring it in.
Doughboys: How is Deadheadz doing?
Detective Ambrosius: He is improving… and will be back on the boards, before you know it.
Doughboys: No need for threats...
(The detectives move on to the next interrogation room where Gekko sits)
Detective Ambrosius: Please share with us your name
Gekko: Mark Srebro
Detective Ambrosius: Where were you on the evening of March 22nd?
Gekko: I was home with my family, making my NL backup catcher projections.
Detective Ambrosius: We know you were at the Toronto all night liquor store around 9:30 pm.
Gekko: Yes sir, I was. I was getting a bottle of wine. 1936 Chardonnay.
Detective Ambrosius: Nice, is that year even possible for a Chardonnay?
Gekko: Actually it was a 1926.. or maybe 1826…
Detective Kessenich: Enough with the wine! Did you see Mr. Deadheadz at the store?
Gekko: I saw him at the store, but didn’t speak to him. Didn’t have the time. Needed to get back home. Did you hear that Juan Uribe gained 20 pounds of muscle this offseason? That has to equal at least 20 more home runs!!
Detective Kessenich: Isn’t it true that you did speak to him outside of the store?
Gekko: Ok, Yes, I did speak to him. It was a brief conversation. He initiated it.
Detective Ambrosius: What did he say?
Gekko: He just said something about trying to get on the NFBC message boards and I told him I didn’t know. He asked who I thought he should draft in the first round this year. Told him the 3rd base position was weak this year and Matt Dominquez could hit 40 HRs . Well worth a first round pick.
Detective Kessenich: Is that true?
Gekko: Is what true?
Detective Ambrosius: Do you not know how to get on the message boards from your cell phone?
Gekko: Don’t have much time for that anymore.
Detective Kessenich: Wait, What? Matt Dominquez is going to hit 40 HRs?
Gekko: Did I say 40? I meant 50.
Detective Ambrosius: So what did you do when you got home?
Gekko: When I got home, I was in an online draft. There were 14 other guys in the draft that can confirm I was in the draft room and my family can confirm I was home.
Detective Ambrosius: So were there any of the big names in the draft?
Gekko: No.
Detective Ambrosius: Ok then, we will be in touch.
(Detectives move on to the next room where Mike (MTM) Massotto is sitting)
Detective Ambrosius: Please state your name for the record
MTM: Mike
Detective Ambrosius: Last name?
MTM: (waiving his hand) You don’t need to know my last name
Detective Ambrosius: (in a daze) We don’t need to know your last name
Detective Kessenich: (in a daze) We don’t need to know your last name
MTM: Carry On
Detective Ambrosius: Where were you on the night of March 22nd
MTM: I went to a pre draft party at BK Mets’ house
Detective Ambrosius: What time did you arrive at the house?
MTM: Around 11:30 pm
Detective Kessenich: Aha! So where were you before that?
MTM: I went to the liquor store, picked up a few 6 packs for the party, and went to the house
Detective Kessenich: We have eyewitnesses that put you at the Toronto all night liquor store at 9:30. Where were you between 9:30 and 11:30? Did you see Mr Deadheadz?
MTM: No, I did not see him. I bought the beer and stayed in my car for about an hour, surfing the net on my cell phone. I went on the NFBC message boards for a little while, and then left for Alan’s house.
Detective Kessenich: How long would you say you were on the message boards?
MTM: about 30 minutes, I would say.
Detective Ambrosius: There is still a big gap in your story, Mike. The truth is, you were on the message boards for at least an hour and got into an argument with Mr. Deadheadz, isn’t that right?
MTM: No, I didn’t see him on the boards.
Detective Ambrosius: The last time anyone heard from Mr Deadheadz before he was shot, he was on the message boards. He had a conversation with you regarding the MTM Super, isn’t that correct?
MTM: No. I didn’t see him on the boards
Detective Kessenich: And isn’t it correct that you had an argument because he wouldn’t join the MTM Super league? Then you erased your message?
MTM: No and I would never get on anyone for not joining my league. It will fill. If it wasn’t for the frickin Super Auction, it would fill a lot quicker… but whatever.
Detective Ambrosius: You need to start telling the truth or you will be banned from the message boards.
MTM: The truth?
Detective Kessenich: Yes THE TRUTH!!
MTM: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! Boys, the boards are nothing without me! They need me for entertainment. Who’s going to do provide that without me, YOU Mr. Ambrosius? YOU Mr Kessenich? I have a greater responsibility than you can fathom. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes people laugh. You don’t have the luxury of having the talent that I have.
The truth is, you WANT me on those boards! You NEED me on those boards! I use words like Diamond and Platinum. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to men who rise and sleep with the entertainment that I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you", and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you post a message about the DC Draft #540, that is starting tomorrow. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Detective Ambrosius: Did you order the code Dead?
MTM: No, I did not.. (and he leaves the room)
Detective Kessenich: Dang, I thought we had the guy.
Detective Ambrosius: Nope, but I think I know who did it.
(Detectives move to the final room where KJ Duke is sitting)
Detective Ambrosius: State your name for the record
KJ Duke: Kevin…. wait, what is my last name again?.... oh just call me KJ Duke.
Detective Ambrosius: Where were you on the night of March 22nd?
KJ Duke: Well, to begin the evening, I closed a deal where Google acquired Apple Inc. for 980 Billion in cash and stock. Then we proceeded to convert all Apple products in North America, into Androids. Then I took a jog around Toronto, did an online draft for the FBPC and structured a new contract league called the MLBCDC KEEPER league.
Detective Kessenich: Aha! There is still a huge gap in your story.. Eyewitnesses put you at the Toronto all night liquor store at 9:30 PM.
KJ Duke: Yes, I was there. During my jog around the city, I stopped to get an Evian and a protein bar.
Detective Ambrosius: Did you see Mr. Deadheadz there?
KJ Duke: Yes, he was trying to get online with his smart phone. It was an Iphone, so I refused.
Detective Kessenich: Did that upset him that you refused?
KJ Duke: No, he just said something about being a newbie and he gets no respect.
Detective Ambrosius: And what did you do then?
KJ Duke: I drove out and I did see someone driving out of control into the parking lot, but I didn’t stay to watch. I was going to have a latte with Larry Page in Michigan, and had to get home to San Diego to make my pick in my DC league. Plus I like to go to sleep early, around 11:30pm
Detective Kessenich: Now, how is it possible for you to get home by 11:30 pm if you were in Toronto at 9:30 pm, then Michigan after that for a meeting with Larry Page?
KJ Duke: 11:30 Pacific Time
Detective Kessenich: Gotcha, that makes sense.
Detective Ambrosius: Wait, did you notice the make of the car that was driving out of control into the liquor store parking lot?
KJ Duke: No, but I am pretty sure it was a woman… blonde.
Detective Ambrosius: I KNEW IT!!!
Detective Kessenich: Who was it?
KJ Duke: Yeah who?
Detective Ambrosius: Marissa Meyer, CEO of Yahoo! KJ Duke organizes the takeover of Apple, by Google, and who loses? Yahoo! And she is a former top executive from Google. It all makes sense now.
KJ Duke: So, she was upset that I organized the takeover, then why didn’t she shoot me?
Detective Kessenich: Actually, none of that mattered. Yahoo’s largest current money maker is fantasy sports. And losing Deadheadz was the final straw. She must have lost it.
KJ Duke: Wow I did not see that one coming. I thought for sure it was Greenberg.
Detective Ambrosius: Wait, why didn’t we interview Greenberg?
KJ Duke: Oops.
