Laments and Pessimisms From a Fantasy Player
Posted: Sat May 31, 2014 9:57 am
I want my fantasy player to contribute in all five categories.
I don't care if he strikes out three times, as long as he throws in a sb or homer while doing it.
I only want him to walk if it brings in a run or sets up a sb.
I want him to slide feet first.
I don't want him to get hit with pitches.
I want no balls to come to him while in the field.
If they do, I want no dives.
I want no crashing into other players.
And avoid fences.
I want him to always come up with the bases loaded.
Unless fast, then I'd like a runner on third to open opportunity for a sb.
If first base is occupied for my fast guy, hitting into a fielders choice is permissable.
I want the runner from second to always score on my players single.
If he doesn't, he's a jerk.
Especially if he's another of my players.
Probably the same jerk who robbed a homer from my player.
For some reason, it hurts a little more when one of my players robs a homer from another of my own players.
And why does that player not rob homers when it is my pitcher throwing?
Jerk.
I don't want my player to be the 'tweener' in an inning.
The tweener is the player who singles, advancing a runner from first to second or third, then another hit brings that runner in while my hitter dies on the bases.
Result: Run scored for the guy on base, rbi for the guy behind my player...nothing for the tweener.
I don't know what the announcer said, but this is what I hear-
"DOUGHBOYS runner is off! What a great jump! And the ball is fouled off. Too bad for DOUGHBOYS, he would have had a certain stolen base. It's also too bad that the inning will end on the next pitch. NAH-NER-NAH-NER DOUGHBOYS!"
I hate the announcer in my head.
I don't want my player mentioned in Roto World. There are three major reasons why a player is mentioned in Roto World.
He played well. He played badly. He got hurt.
I don't like the odds.
My pitcher has a smaller strike zone than other pitchers.
If he gives up seven runs, it seems like the odds of even one being unearned is like the odds of seeing Elvis at Burger King.
The most important out is the one after 4 2/3 innings with the lead.
I swear that every bullpen is out to get me when my Starter leaves the game with a lead.
My pitcher is left in too long when getting beaten up and not long enough when throwing well.
My pitchers hate the juicy matchups against the Padres, Astros, or Royals.
But on the bench, they'll throw a masterpiece on the road in Boston or L.A.
My players laugh at me.
I know they do.
They get hurt on Monday or Friday.
They'll be in pain on the field and when nobody else is looking, they'll give me a wink.
I'll celebrate when my Closer enters a 3-0 game.
I'll cringe when it becomes 3-2 with the bases loaded.
And I know whether he gets away with a Save or not, that I'll hate his guts for putting me through that.
A Manager that puts my Closer in a non-Save situation?
How dare he!
What do I get out of this?
Jerk.
We know we have little faith in our Closer when he comes into a game and we're thinking, "It's only a one-run lead!"
For some reason, 6 inn, 9 h, 5 er, a win...looks better than 5 2/3 inn, 2 h, 1 er, no win.
And for some reason, we would rather see an 0-fer from our hitter than having him on the bench.
Rain always comes at the wrong time.
When it is my hitter that leads off the inning with a triple, chances increase by 30 per cent that he will not score.
When it is my pitcher that gives up a lead off triple, chances are 100 per cent he will score.
Even if it's my hitter.
Why do I root for my pitcher to get my hitter out?
It drives me crazy when my pitcher walks my hitter.
Who am I kidding, I hate it when my pitcher walks anybody.
On Monday, my lineup is brilliant.
By the end of the week, I'm wondering what idiot started these players.
The shift always works against my hitters.
The shift always lets dribblers get through the infield for my pitchers.
Some FAAB'ed players play better for other teams than mine.
I keep Carlos Beltran.
I know it's stupid.
I know he'll screw me.
But, I keep him.
Knowing that his pain will go away the minute I drop his ass.
Hitters always get hot on my bench.
They cool down begins when starting them.
Sometimes I think we do lineups in reverse.
We should install them after Thursday and after Sunday, instead of before Monday and Friday.
It would make things a lot easier and less time consuming....and less nerve racking.
My pitchers start gets pushed back from the Padres at home to the Red Sox on the road.
If it happens from Saturday to Sunday, they get killed.
If it happens from Sunday to Monday and I bench them, a masterpiece.
My hitter gets 'rested' vs. Kevin Correia.
He plays against Jose Fernandez.
The Manager lets my pitcher throw an intentional walk, instead of the other pitcher just coming in.
Jerk.
Replays in baseball were created to allow more runs against my pitchers and lessen my hitters stats.
The wind blows in for my hitters, out for my pitchers.
My pitcher will leave a game with the lead after the fifth inning.
If I take a rooting interest in that game. His team will keep that lead in the 6th, 7th, and 8th, then lose it in the ninth.
Like reading a bad book, knowing the ending.
I know that today will be better than yesterday.
Because yesterday sucked.
Until they prove me wrong again.
I don't care if he strikes out three times, as long as he throws in a sb or homer while doing it.
I only want him to walk if it brings in a run or sets up a sb.
I want him to slide feet first.
I don't want him to get hit with pitches.
I want no balls to come to him while in the field.
If they do, I want no dives.
I want no crashing into other players.
And avoid fences.
I want him to always come up with the bases loaded.
Unless fast, then I'd like a runner on third to open opportunity for a sb.
If first base is occupied for my fast guy, hitting into a fielders choice is permissable.
I want the runner from second to always score on my players single.
If he doesn't, he's a jerk.
Especially if he's another of my players.
Probably the same jerk who robbed a homer from my player.
For some reason, it hurts a little more when one of my players robs a homer from another of my own players.
And why does that player not rob homers when it is my pitcher throwing?
Jerk.
I don't want my player to be the 'tweener' in an inning.
The tweener is the player who singles, advancing a runner from first to second or third, then another hit brings that runner in while my hitter dies on the bases.
Result: Run scored for the guy on base, rbi for the guy behind my player...nothing for the tweener.
I don't know what the announcer said, but this is what I hear-
"DOUGHBOYS runner is off! What a great jump! And the ball is fouled off. Too bad for DOUGHBOYS, he would have had a certain stolen base. It's also too bad that the inning will end on the next pitch. NAH-NER-NAH-NER DOUGHBOYS!"
I hate the announcer in my head.
I don't want my player mentioned in Roto World. There are three major reasons why a player is mentioned in Roto World.
He played well. He played badly. He got hurt.
I don't like the odds.
My pitcher has a smaller strike zone than other pitchers.
If he gives up seven runs, it seems like the odds of even one being unearned is like the odds of seeing Elvis at Burger King.
The most important out is the one after 4 2/3 innings with the lead.
I swear that every bullpen is out to get me when my Starter leaves the game with a lead.
My pitcher is left in too long when getting beaten up and not long enough when throwing well.
My pitchers hate the juicy matchups against the Padres, Astros, or Royals.
But on the bench, they'll throw a masterpiece on the road in Boston or L.A.
My players laugh at me.
I know they do.
They get hurt on Monday or Friday.
They'll be in pain on the field and when nobody else is looking, they'll give me a wink.
I'll celebrate when my Closer enters a 3-0 game.
I'll cringe when it becomes 3-2 with the bases loaded.
And I know whether he gets away with a Save or not, that I'll hate his guts for putting me through that.
A Manager that puts my Closer in a non-Save situation?
How dare he!
What do I get out of this?
Jerk.
We know we have little faith in our Closer when he comes into a game and we're thinking, "It's only a one-run lead!"
For some reason, 6 inn, 9 h, 5 er, a win...looks better than 5 2/3 inn, 2 h, 1 er, no win.
And for some reason, we would rather see an 0-fer from our hitter than having him on the bench.
Rain always comes at the wrong time.
When it is my hitter that leads off the inning with a triple, chances increase by 30 per cent that he will not score.
When it is my pitcher that gives up a lead off triple, chances are 100 per cent he will score.
Even if it's my hitter.
Why do I root for my pitcher to get my hitter out?
It drives me crazy when my pitcher walks my hitter.
Who am I kidding, I hate it when my pitcher walks anybody.
On Monday, my lineup is brilliant.
By the end of the week, I'm wondering what idiot started these players.
The shift always works against my hitters.
The shift always lets dribblers get through the infield for my pitchers.
Some FAAB'ed players play better for other teams than mine.
I keep Carlos Beltran.
I know it's stupid.
I know he'll screw me.
But, I keep him.
Knowing that his pain will go away the minute I drop his ass.
Hitters always get hot on my bench.
They cool down begins when starting them.
Sometimes I think we do lineups in reverse.
We should install them after Thursday and after Sunday, instead of before Monday and Friday.
It would make things a lot easier and less time consuming....and less nerve racking.
My pitchers start gets pushed back from the Padres at home to the Red Sox on the road.
If it happens from Saturday to Sunday, they get killed.
If it happens from Sunday to Monday and I bench them, a masterpiece.
My hitter gets 'rested' vs. Kevin Correia.
He plays against Jose Fernandez.
The Manager lets my pitcher throw an intentional walk, instead of the other pitcher just coming in.
Jerk.
Replays in baseball were created to allow more runs against my pitchers and lessen my hitters stats.
The wind blows in for my hitters, out for my pitchers.
My pitcher will leave a game with the lead after the fifth inning.
If I take a rooting interest in that game. His team will keep that lead in the 6th, 7th, and 8th, then lose it in the ninth.
Like reading a bad book, knowing the ending.
I know that today will be better than yesterday.
Because yesterday sucked.
Until they prove me wrong again.