Stupid Is, As Stupid Does
Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2015 12:35 am
I'm going to try something a little different here. I just got done with an online Main Event.
Have you ever felt like you got your ass handed to you after a draft?
I felt that way here.
I didn't like my team much at all. Felt Stupid. I went through the names with Roger Martin and he tried to be as nice as possible about the team, but I could tell by the sound of his voice that the team is probably a no-hoper by his standards as well.
Anyway, I have to live with this team. I am the Dumbass that drafted it. But I don't have to like it.
So, in that vain, I thought I would introduce this team with nary a positive comment.
So, as long as this Stupid is suffering, these players that this Stupid picked will get no love from this Stupid.
1. Troy Tulowitzki.
He has six unneeded letters at the end of his name. Who does that?
Tulo is only going this high because he is healthy. At least I think he is, I haven't read Rotnews the last 10 minutes.
Tulo is the Super Dave Osborne of fantasy baseball and he doesn't even need his props.
And he plays alongside CarGo who is the "HELP! I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!" Lady of baseball.
Tulo and CarGo go down more than Mikey's porn star.
Tulo was a great insurance play. By getting hurt, which comes naturally, I will get a check for Tulo doing what he does best.
I love fantasy baseball!
2. Josh Donaldson.
He used to be a Catcher. But he started hitting too well, so they made him a crappy third baseman.
He led the world in errors last year. A target for Kris Bryant to shoot for this year.
Toronto had a hustling third baseman that got hurt with his hustle.
With the already lazy Encarnacion and Bautista, Donaldson should fit in well with the Blue Jays.
3. Todd Frazier.
His last name is 'Mirage'. That is what I hear whenever Sirius fellows talk of Frazier. Last year was lucky. He will not hit 29 homers. He will not steal 20 bases. Plus, he'll be hitting close to Joey Votto in the lineup and might catch that 'walkin' pneumonia' disease that haunts Votto.
I'd love to be broadcasting if Frazier ever gets hurt. Too easy....
"DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!"
4. Jon Lester.
He has all the money he wants with a blossoming team. No expectations this year.
Lester gets pissed when squeezed by an umpire. His demeanor on the mound changes and he is not the same pitcher.
David Ross knows how to conquer this malady better than his previous catchers.
Screw you, you Montero fans (Oh wait. That's me!) I have to hope that Ross catches Lester.
(Favorite Stat from last year- Lester did not throw to first base even one time to keep a runner close)
5. Greg Holland.
Holland is not even a country anymore. Ever since their name changed to Nederlands, nobody talks about wooden shoes.
Holland was part of a trio of relievers that the MLB Channel treated as Gods.
If there is one thing that does not carry over in baseball from year to year, it is a bullpen.
I expect the Royals bullpen to be barely adequate this year. Holland will probably take the lead.
6. Jorge Soler.
He now has the longest swing in baseball. The past longest swing in baseball was J Baez...and we all know where he is
Soler can start a swing in batting practice and end it in the eighth inning. The swing is so long that his bat finishes with parking validations from Addison.
If I have a pitcher who can avoid bats and hr's, I'd throw him against the Cubs.
Bryant, Baez, Rizzo, Olt, and Soler are strike out heaven for an opposing pitcher.
7. Charlie Blackmon.
I met Blackmon this off season. Told him I has just chosen Mesoraco over him in a fantasy draft.
He said, "MESORACO! He doesn't run!"
I had to admit that was cool.
For real's, I get to expect something out of Blackmon whenever he's home. Rockies hitters have a code.
When on the road, they use fungo bats.
8. Alexie Rmirez.
Right about now, you're probably thinking, "Where is Doughy's second starter?"
Don't hold your breath.
Alexie Ramirez hit in the two-spot some last year. With Melky, that probably won't happen this year.
It is why he dropped a little bit in drafts.
Ramirez is a safety net for WHEN Tulo gets hurt.
Tulo has the talent. Ramirez, the reliability.
And I had to use two picks for both.
Stupid.
9. Jonathon Papelbon.
If baseball fans had to pick a guy to hate after ARod, Paps would be in the running.
He closes for PHILLY! How many Saves does he get there? Not many.
Plus, he has Ken Giles pushing him. And, Amaro wants to trade him.
Probably go to Toronto where again, he will face real hitters, not like those from the Mets or Braves.
10.Marcell Ozuna.
I don't know why. I haven't drafted him in umpteen drafts this year. Now, I do.
He hits in a park with Yellowstone dimensions.
His name like that of a mime or slowish drafter.
All those signs and I still draft him.
Ugh.
Still waiting for Lester's mates?
Again, don't hold your breath.
11. Hunter Pence.
Pence has already reached Tulo's destination. The disabled list.
Pence and Ramirez can throw 'dork parties' on this team.
I wonder if Pence faced Schilling?
A Pound for your thoughts?
12. Russel Martin
Martin used Pittsburgh as a springboard for a larger paycheck.
He'll go into the Blue Jays clubhouse and reminiesce about how the Yankees did things right.
They'll love him.
13. Mike Napoli
Napoli didn't sleep well last year.
THAT'S his excuse?
It's always something with this guy. He used to BACK UP Jeff Mathis.
Worse, he is the only one to back up Jeff Mathis.
Backing up Jeff Mathis is like backing up Tuffy Gosewich.
This is one guy who should just shed the last three letters of his name and play the damned game!
14. Daniel Norris.
I love Daniel Norris. I wanted to tell Bob Mazur that soooo bad in Las Vegas, but I kept it to myself.
This is the first player drafted that is 'my guy' in this draft.
A ROOK as my second pitcher.
Go ahead, give it to 'ol Stupid here.
If fantasy were real life, it'd be like life and death for Norris toeing the rubber for my team each week.
As is, he has a catcher that is newly rich and some lazy fielders behind him.
15. Tyler Clippard.
I don't think Doolittle takes the mound this year. Just my opinion.
Clippard though, has to face real hitters now. Not Mets, Phils, or Braves hitters.
The thought here is that I know for certain I'll be selecting Starters on FAAB, maybe not Closers.
16. Matt Shoemaker.
No. He's not from Holland and doesn't make wooden shoes.
What he has mastered is the art of pitching to contact.
There is only one thing worse than being called 'a pitcher who pitches to contact'.
And that is, 'An innings eater'.
This year, Shoemaker will probably master both.
Stupid
17. Kyle Hendricks
I love Kyle Hendricks. I saw him pitch in a minor league game and was soooo impressed with movement and location.
With the wind blowing out at Wrigley, that all won't matter. A fisted ball can find the seats.
Wait, are there still seats beyond the fences at Wrigley?
I heard they're still building.
"Stanton hits a long one! It is over the fence and into the crane!"
Just doesn't have that same ring to it, no?
18. Miguel Montero.
I have to hope for my own player NOT to play each time Lester throws.
Stupid.
Montero was given to the Cubs, so that the D-Backs can play Tuffy Gosewich. He is backed up by Stinky Pettigrew.
Not really. But, that would be cool.
Montero hit .243 in a great hitters park last year.
That's a little Tuffy to handle.
19. Kendall Graveman.
No, this isn't a spring training pick. I was on Graveman in 50's before drafting him was cool.
So, let's take a look at this starting staff.
A Fat City pitcher
A Rook
An innings eater who pitches to contact
A Rook
and a Rook
Next time somebody calls me an expert, they get a middle finger.
20. Carlos Rodon.
Hey! With all that rookie pitching, there's always room for somebody who'll pitch AAA, right?
Rodon is maybe the best pitcher not in the Major Leagues.
How much does that help my stats right now?
Yeah, I know.
21. Odubel Herrera.
I saw this guy on Spring Training games on MLB.
A serious pain in the ass. My team needs a PITA.
My team DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER ROOKIE!
Yet, here we are.
I swear I will NEVER take another rookie!
22. Michael Taylor.
10 minutes later, a promise broken.
It's fantasy baseball, the landscape full of broken promises and dreams.
I can bullshit you and tell you (and myself) by saying that Taylor will play the outfield hopefully till Pence comes back.
This logic almost always backfires.
Either Pence will have a set back or Taylor will under perform and get sent down to the minors.
Stupid.
23. Josh Collmenter.
Here is how good Arizona's Opening Day pitcher is. The fifth Starter on the Arizona staff, Archie Bradley, was taken well before Collmenter.
Collmenter is an Opening Day pitcher like Bartolo Colon is an Opening Day pitcher.
Collmenter and Colon are Opening Day pitchers as LaTroy Hawkins is to Closers.
We know the truth.
24. Shane Victorino.
How good is Victorino?
His counterpart was sent to the Minors. And is STILL taken 13 rounds before him.
Victorino is the Rodney Dangerfield of the Red Sox.
He is to the Red Sox as us having a $200,000 Kia in our driveway. Can't sell it, may as well drive it.
25. Jonathon Schoop.
Did you know that Scoop had the 4th most home runs among 2b last year?
I'm just saying that to try to avoid looking at his .209 batting average.
His last name is pronounced like the mouth wash. I needed some, to get the taste of drafting him out of my mouth.
26. Billy Burns.
You know what this team needs?
A ROOKIE!
Burns has only hit in Spring Training.
He didn't hit in AAA. He didn't hit in AA.
But, he did run.
Mr. Burns will not hit a Homer....Simpson's reference...never mind
I don't have to worry about Burns stealing first base. I have to worry about Burns stealing his way out of the dugout to have even a chance of stealing first base.
Speed never slumps....except when it's sitting on its ass.
27. Raisel Iglesias
I really need a rookie. My team is so young, the groundskeeper sweeps up pacifiers and rattles off the dugout floor, not sunflower seeds.
Iglesia is from Cuba.
That's supposed to be good.
So far, in Spring Training, Cuba good, Iglesias not.
28. Kyle Gibson.
My team's average age just went up.
Gibson does not come from Cuba.
And he does pitch for the Twins.
Somebody has to.
29. Nathan Karns.
And my team age plummets.
Hopefully Karns is a fly ball pitcher.
Oh, I don't care about the fantasy side. I just wanna see a lot of fly balls so that his nicknam is 'Can of'.
Karns did not have a job, even as recently as a week or two ago.
Perfect fit for this team.
30. Evan Marshall.
No more rookie jokes. I figure that the rookies that don't get it or cut it...and I fully expect that to be half of them, will be replaced on FAAB. Marshall is already a better pitcher than Addison Reed. But, Reed has something that Marshall does not have, the job.
That's the way baseball works. A Closer can suck at Closing because he has done it before.
Like Nathan in Detroit.
Or Qualls in Houston.
It is only till the Manager cannot stomach anymore that they get replaced.
How many burgers does a flipper at McDonalds burn before being replaced?
He burnt them at Burger King too. BUT, at least he has experience.
In real world jobs, these fellas are out the door quickly. Not in baseball.
I never have gotten the logic.
So there you have it.
A bunch of young whippersnappers that paints me more as a molester in not leaving kids alone than a fantasy baseball drafter.
11 rookies. Six of them, pitchers.
Truth be told, I don't like a lot of veteran pitchers this year.
I don't like Peavy, Hudson, Miguel Gonzalez, Jason Vargas, Sabathia, Haren, Burnett, Buehrle, Miley, Cahill, Salazar, any Rockies pitcher, or Phils pitcher, except Hamels.
I don't like Colon, Simon, Marquis, Pelfrey, Chavez, Happ, Guthrie, Morton, or any Texas pitcher, except Holland.
Really, I felt like these Rooks gave me a shot. I waited a long time on pitching and I'd rather have it be in the hands of the mostly unknown, rather than in the hands of a pitcher I don't like.
And I don't like a lot of bottom feeding pitchers this year.
I will not 'blog' this team.
I will post a note in how it is doing from time to time.
If nothing else, than for the benefit of a good laugh.
The smart bet on an over/under of 30 pitching points would be the under.
The trick will be to find a bookie as stupid as me, that will book it.
Have you ever felt like you got your ass handed to you after a draft?
I felt that way here.
I didn't like my team much at all. Felt Stupid. I went through the names with Roger Martin and he tried to be as nice as possible about the team, but I could tell by the sound of his voice that the team is probably a no-hoper by his standards as well.
Anyway, I have to live with this team. I am the Dumbass that drafted it. But I don't have to like it.
So, in that vain, I thought I would introduce this team with nary a positive comment.
So, as long as this Stupid is suffering, these players that this Stupid picked will get no love from this Stupid.
1. Troy Tulowitzki.
He has six unneeded letters at the end of his name. Who does that?
Tulo is only going this high because he is healthy. At least I think he is, I haven't read Rotnews the last 10 minutes.
Tulo is the Super Dave Osborne of fantasy baseball and he doesn't even need his props.
And he plays alongside CarGo who is the "HELP! I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!" Lady of baseball.
Tulo and CarGo go down more than Mikey's porn star.
Tulo was a great insurance play. By getting hurt, which comes naturally, I will get a check for Tulo doing what he does best.
I love fantasy baseball!
2. Josh Donaldson.
He used to be a Catcher. But he started hitting too well, so they made him a crappy third baseman.
He led the world in errors last year. A target for Kris Bryant to shoot for this year.
Toronto had a hustling third baseman that got hurt with his hustle.
With the already lazy Encarnacion and Bautista, Donaldson should fit in well with the Blue Jays.
3. Todd Frazier.
His last name is 'Mirage'. That is what I hear whenever Sirius fellows talk of Frazier. Last year was lucky. He will not hit 29 homers. He will not steal 20 bases. Plus, he'll be hitting close to Joey Votto in the lineup and might catch that 'walkin' pneumonia' disease that haunts Votto.
I'd love to be broadcasting if Frazier ever gets hurt. Too easy....
"DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!"
4. Jon Lester.
He has all the money he wants with a blossoming team. No expectations this year.
Lester gets pissed when squeezed by an umpire. His demeanor on the mound changes and he is not the same pitcher.
David Ross knows how to conquer this malady better than his previous catchers.
Screw you, you Montero fans (Oh wait. That's me!) I have to hope that Ross catches Lester.
(Favorite Stat from last year- Lester did not throw to first base even one time to keep a runner close)
5. Greg Holland.
Holland is not even a country anymore. Ever since their name changed to Nederlands, nobody talks about wooden shoes.
Holland was part of a trio of relievers that the MLB Channel treated as Gods.
If there is one thing that does not carry over in baseball from year to year, it is a bullpen.
I expect the Royals bullpen to be barely adequate this year. Holland will probably take the lead.
6. Jorge Soler.
He now has the longest swing in baseball. The past longest swing in baseball was J Baez...and we all know where he is
Soler can start a swing in batting practice and end it in the eighth inning. The swing is so long that his bat finishes with parking validations from Addison.
If I have a pitcher who can avoid bats and hr's, I'd throw him against the Cubs.
Bryant, Baez, Rizzo, Olt, and Soler are strike out heaven for an opposing pitcher.
7. Charlie Blackmon.
I met Blackmon this off season. Told him I has just chosen Mesoraco over him in a fantasy draft.
He said, "MESORACO! He doesn't run!"
I had to admit that was cool.
For real's, I get to expect something out of Blackmon whenever he's home. Rockies hitters have a code.
When on the road, they use fungo bats.
8. Alexie Rmirez.
Right about now, you're probably thinking, "Where is Doughy's second starter?"
Don't hold your breath.
Alexie Ramirez hit in the two-spot some last year. With Melky, that probably won't happen this year.
It is why he dropped a little bit in drafts.
Ramirez is a safety net for WHEN Tulo gets hurt.
Tulo has the talent. Ramirez, the reliability.
And I had to use two picks for both.
Stupid.
9. Jonathon Papelbon.
If baseball fans had to pick a guy to hate after ARod, Paps would be in the running.
He closes for PHILLY! How many Saves does he get there? Not many.
Plus, he has Ken Giles pushing him. And, Amaro wants to trade him.
Probably go to Toronto where again, he will face real hitters, not like those from the Mets or Braves.
10.Marcell Ozuna.
I don't know why. I haven't drafted him in umpteen drafts this year. Now, I do.
He hits in a park with Yellowstone dimensions.
His name like that of a mime or slowish drafter.
All those signs and I still draft him.
Ugh.
Still waiting for Lester's mates?
Again, don't hold your breath.
11. Hunter Pence.
Pence has already reached Tulo's destination. The disabled list.
Pence and Ramirez can throw 'dork parties' on this team.
I wonder if Pence faced Schilling?
A Pound for your thoughts?
12. Russel Martin
Martin used Pittsburgh as a springboard for a larger paycheck.
He'll go into the Blue Jays clubhouse and reminiesce about how the Yankees did things right.
They'll love him.
13. Mike Napoli
Napoli didn't sleep well last year.
THAT'S his excuse?
It's always something with this guy. He used to BACK UP Jeff Mathis.
Worse, he is the only one to back up Jeff Mathis.
Backing up Jeff Mathis is like backing up Tuffy Gosewich.
This is one guy who should just shed the last three letters of his name and play the damned game!
14. Daniel Norris.
I love Daniel Norris. I wanted to tell Bob Mazur that soooo bad in Las Vegas, but I kept it to myself.
This is the first player drafted that is 'my guy' in this draft.
A ROOK as my second pitcher.
Go ahead, give it to 'ol Stupid here.
If fantasy were real life, it'd be like life and death for Norris toeing the rubber for my team each week.
As is, he has a catcher that is newly rich and some lazy fielders behind him.
15. Tyler Clippard.
I don't think Doolittle takes the mound this year. Just my opinion.
Clippard though, has to face real hitters now. Not Mets, Phils, or Braves hitters.
The thought here is that I know for certain I'll be selecting Starters on FAAB, maybe not Closers.
16. Matt Shoemaker.
No. He's not from Holland and doesn't make wooden shoes.
What he has mastered is the art of pitching to contact.
There is only one thing worse than being called 'a pitcher who pitches to contact'.
And that is, 'An innings eater'.
This year, Shoemaker will probably master both.
Stupid
17. Kyle Hendricks
I love Kyle Hendricks. I saw him pitch in a minor league game and was soooo impressed with movement and location.
With the wind blowing out at Wrigley, that all won't matter. A fisted ball can find the seats.
Wait, are there still seats beyond the fences at Wrigley?
I heard they're still building.
"Stanton hits a long one! It is over the fence and into the crane!"
Just doesn't have that same ring to it, no?
18. Miguel Montero.
I have to hope for my own player NOT to play each time Lester throws.
Stupid.
Montero was given to the Cubs, so that the D-Backs can play Tuffy Gosewich. He is backed up by Stinky Pettigrew.
Not really. But, that would be cool.
Montero hit .243 in a great hitters park last year.
That's a little Tuffy to handle.
19. Kendall Graveman.
No, this isn't a spring training pick. I was on Graveman in 50's before drafting him was cool.
So, let's take a look at this starting staff.
A Fat City pitcher
A Rook
An innings eater who pitches to contact
A Rook
and a Rook
Next time somebody calls me an expert, they get a middle finger.
20. Carlos Rodon.
Hey! With all that rookie pitching, there's always room for somebody who'll pitch AAA, right?
Rodon is maybe the best pitcher not in the Major Leagues.
How much does that help my stats right now?
Yeah, I know.
21. Odubel Herrera.
I saw this guy on Spring Training games on MLB.
A serious pain in the ass. My team needs a PITA.
My team DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER ROOKIE!
Yet, here we are.
I swear I will NEVER take another rookie!
22. Michael Taylor.
10 minutes later, a promise broken.
It's fantasy baseball, the landscape full of broken promises and dreams.
I can bullshit you and tell you (and myself) by saying that Taylor will play the outfield hopefully till Pence comes back.
This logic almost always backfires.
Either Pence will have a set back or Taylor will under perform and get sent down to the minors.
Stupid.
23. Josh Collmenter.
Here is how good Arizona's Opening Day pitcher is. The fifth Starter on the Arizona staff, Archie Bradley, was taken well before Collmenter.
Collmenter is an Opening Day pitcher like Bartolo Colon is an Opening Day pitcher.
Collmenter and Colon are Opening Day pitchers as LaTroy Hawkins is to Closers.
We know the truth.
24. Shane Victorino.
How good is Victorino?
His counterpart was sent to the Minors. And is STILL taken 13 rounds before him.
Victorino is the Rodney Dangerfield of the Red Sox.
He is to the Red Sox as us having a $200,000 Kia in our driveway. Can't sell it, may as well drive it.
25. Jonathon Schoop.
Did you know that Scoop had the 4th most home runs among 2b last year?
I'm just saying that to try to avoid looking at his .209 batting average.
His last name is pronounced like the mouth wash. I needed some, to get the taste of drafting him out of my mouth.
26. Billy Burns.
You know what this team needs?
A ROOKIE!
Burns has only hit in Spring Training.
He didn't hit in AAA. He didn't hit in AA.
But, he did run.
Mr. Burns will not hit a Homer....Simpson's reference...never mind
I don't have to worry about Burns stealing first base. I have to worry about Burns stealing his way out of the dugout to have even a chance of stealing first base.
Speed never slumps....except when it's sitting on its ass.
27. Raisel Iglesias
I really need a rookie. My team is so young, the groundskeeper sweeps up pacifiers and rattles off the dugout floor, not sunflower seeds.
Iglesia is from Cuba.
That's supposed to be good.
So far, in Spring Training, Cuba good, Iglesias not.
28. Kyle Gibson.
My team's average age just went up.
Gibson does not come from Cuba.
And he does pitch for the Twins.
Somebody has to.
29. Nathan Karns.
And my team age plummets.
Hopefully Karns is a fly ball pitcher.
Oh, I don't care about the fantasy side. I just wanna see a lot of fly balls so that his nicknam is 'Can of'.
Karns did not have a job, even as recently as a week or two ago.
Perfect fit for this team.
30. Evan Marshall.
No more rookie jokes. I figure that the rookies that don't get it or cut it...and I fully expect that to be half of them, will be replaced on FAAB. Marshall is already a better pitcher than Addison Reed. But, Reed has something that Marshall does not have, the job.
That's the way baseball works. A Closer can suck at Closing because he has done it before.
Like Nathan in Detroit.
Or Qualls in Houston.
It is only till the Manager cannot stomach anymore that they get replaced.
How many burgers does a flipper at McDonalds burn before being replaced?
He burnt them at Burger King too. BUT, at least he has experience.
In real world jobs, these fellas are out the door quickly. Not in baseball.
I never have gotten the logic.
So there you have it.
A bunch of young whippersnappers that paints me more as a molester in not leaving kids alone than a fantasy baseball drafter.
11 rookies. Six of them, pitchers.
Truth be told, I don't like a lot of veteran pitchers this year.
I don't like Peavy, Hudson, Miguel Gonzalez, Jason Vargas, Sabathia, Haren, Burnett, Buehrle, Miley, Cahill, Salazar, any Rockies pitcher, or Phils pitcher, except Hamels.
I don't like Colon, Simon, Marquis, Pelfrey, Chavez, Happ, Guthrie, Morton, or any Texas pitcher, except Holland.
Really, I felt like these Rooks gave me a shot. I waited a long time on pitching and I'd rather have it be in the hands of the mostly unknown, rather than in the hands of a pitcher I don't like.
And I don't like a lot of bottom feeding pitchers this year.
I will not 'blog' this team.
I will post a note in how it is doing from time to time.
If nothing else, than for the benefit of a good laugh.
The smart bet on an over/under of 30 pitching points would be the under.
The trick will be to find a bookie as stupid as me, that will book it.
It looks ugly, but sometimes ugly wins. Jupinka, Potts and Morgan seem to do it consistently, so I wouldn't count this one out. 