September Back to School Essay

[DOUGHBOYS]

Dear Teacher,

You are making us write a September essay. One thousand words. Here is mine.

September is weird. Teams that have almost won a pennant are doing screwy stuff. If any player gets even a little boo boo, they don't play for a little while.
Matt Harvey, and his agent, and the Mets have agreed not to pitch him much...and he doesn't even have a boo boo!
He had a boo boo last year. Now, they don't want him to get another one.
I broke my arm on the monkey bars last year. I still play on the monkey bars this year.
He pitched real good last night. If it were May, he would have pitched all night.
Not in September.
September is weird.

Even pitchers who look like they are good and don't have a boo boo don't get to play.
Adam Morgan doesn't get to pitch anymore. And I don't think Raciel Iglesias or Taijuan Walker get to pitch anymore either.
But James Paxton does. And so does Chris Sale who doesn't pitch like Chris Sale anymore. And Shelby Miller too.
Who decides who could be hurt? And who won't get hurt anymore?
Maybe you know. You're smarter than me.

I had Martin Prado in my lineup over the weekend.
He didn't play a lick. And nobody told me why.
I had to do more homework and found out he had a wrist boo boo. If it were July, I'll bet somebody would have told me about the boo boo. Not in September.
In September, every team gets to have hundreds of players. Prado is not considered 'disabled'. He is just 'rested'.
Players getting a 'rest' in September?
That's like taking a nap before turning in for the night!

Poor Steven Vogt! He got hit where no boy wants to get hit.
To me, that was beyond disabled.
Now there! There is a guy who needs rest!
You are lucky you don't have nuts, Mrs Walker!

Before September, players have this thing called 'Paternity Leave'.
It means that the player can go see a new baby.
Luke Gregerson had a new baby in September.
He didn't go on 'Paternity Leave'.
He just left.
My grandpa told me that old players didn't go home to see new babies. Especially if their team, like Gregerson's, was in a pennant race.
He told me that the player would visit with his wife and new baby when he got home.
I do wonder why a player needs three days to see a new baby!
I guess that is 'adult stuff'.

FAAB is weird in September too. It doesn't matter if I have six dollars for six players these last two weeks or 600 dollars.
We're not bidding on good players anymore.
We are bidding on players who could be good or hot for just two weeks.
Any player can do that!
So now, we have a mixture of guys that could be 'rested' at any time, that have helped us all year, and guys like Tommy Pham who happened to get hot this time of year.
It's weird.

Each team seems to have four or five catchers. There are hardly any 'regular' catchers. Just irregular ones.
There seems to be less stolen bases too.
The players seem to be like bad crooks. Too lazy to steal.
Box scores look like sprin training box scores.
Something has to be done about the hundreds of players on each team.
Can't they just add five players in September.
It sure would make fantasy baseball more fun if they did that.
And make September a lot less weird.

I hope you liked my essay, Mrs Walker.
I know you don't play fantasy baseball and that most people play daily fantasy baseball now.
September isn't so weird for those guys.
Sometimes, I'm jealous that they don't have the problems that I have.
Especially in September.
Thanks again, Mrs Walker, and now, now, ok now, that makes one thousand words!

[TOXIC ASSETS]

Dear Mrs. Walker.

September is here. I also play fantasy baseball and my teams have been out of contention since May.
Thankfully, it's football season. New hopes, new dreams, new money invested.
I'm in business and can't be bothered with writing 1,000 words.

[marknym]

This was highly entertaining.

Nicely done!

A+

-Mrs. Walker