Mayberry Method

[DOUGHBOYS]

Are you tired of trying to figure out who to draft?
Sick of doing endless research?
Reading the Baseball Forecaster from front cover to 'written by real experts' cover?
Trying to translate Todd Zola's Numerish into English?
This Fantasy Baseball stuff is hard work!
I have come to your rescue!

We want to be happy.
We want to be 'smile on our face, all the time' happy.
We want to be like the fellas on MLB act.
Always smiling, always laughing at jokes, especially their own, happy.
No wait.
We want to be happier than that.
We want to be Mayberry happy!
So, I am calling this the 'Mayberry Method'.
I know, I know, how'd I come up with that, right?


Here is what makes my Mayberry Method work best for us drafters who just want to be happy.
There is not a single number we have to worry about!
Not one.
Worry does not make us happy.
We want to be Mayberry happy.

Do you know what Opie, Aunt Bee, Andy, Barney, Thelma Lou, Helen, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Juanita, Elly all had in common?
No, it wasn't that they were all happy.
That was sort of a trick question.
They were all single. Not married.
And THAT, THAT is what made every character in Mayberry happy!
Even Ernest T. Bass was happy!
The only character in Mayberry who wasn't single was Otis.
Who always had to be drunk!

So, how do we translate the Mayberry happiness to a fantasy drafter?
We can't pick single ball players. That would involve all that research we're trying to avoid.
Nope. We have to remember the MLB network.
Sean Casey is happy.
He would have been great for our fantasy team.
Harold Reynolds is happiest when listening to himself.
We want happy too!
So, lets look for Mayberry happy for our Mayberry team.

At Catcher, we can't select Yadier Molina. He catches the first inning as if he's already played nine.
That won't do.
Brian McCann is a politically correct monitor on the field. Carlos Gomez makes him go mad.
Lucroy, a pouter.
Posey, too by the book.
Wow, there are few friendly catchers in baseball. Must be gear they have to wear and gossipin' with pitchers that makes them surly.
However, there is one catcher who puts a smile on his face while playing.
Francisco Cervelli.
Cervelli looks kinda goofy when smiling on the field. One of the few catchers who can take a ball to the nooch and still smile over his own misfortune.
Our kinda guy. A Mayberry catcher.

First base should be easy. Defensively, your main job at first base after a runner reaches, is to talk to that baserunner.
Most first basemen do it pretty well.
Some prefer to talk about themselves though.
"Did you see me take that walk last inning"
"I used 'Head And Shoulders' on my hair, look good?"
"I can't believe that little twerp, Avisail, messed with my wife!"
Just a few selfy comments from first basemen.
We don't need those guys on our team.
We want a happy guy with a goofy Mayberry grin on his face.
Freddie Freeman is Opie all grown up.
There'll be nobody more Mayberrian on this team than Freddie Freeman.

Second base is a little tougher.
Chase Utley has become known more for hurting than happy.
Pedroia plays with a chip on his shoulder.
Starlin Castro seems to lazy to smile.
Not Brandon Phillips though!
Brandon Phillips has a perma-smile.
Born to be a Mayberry player.
Phillips is our second baseman.

Third base.
Third basemen usually smile after making a great play.
A Brooksian smile.
For our Mayberry team, we need a guy who affords a smile before the great play.
We could put Machado and Donaldson in a ring and watch the victor smile after knocking his foe out, but neither deserve to be on this team.
It can't be Pablo Sandoval, he plays with a potato chip on his shoulder.
We'll take Adrian Beltre.
He who checks with the umpire to see if he swung. Hits homers from his knees and chuckles.
And provides endless laughs as teammates try to touch his head, something that irritates the crap outta him.
And makes us laugh.
Beltre is Mayberry material.

Shortstop may be the most difficult.
We want real smiles not fake smiles.
Jose Reyes makes up 1,588,047,832 different handshakes. Practices routines with teammates (Rockies teammates do not want to participate however, which is probably why Reyes wants to be traded)
Reyes isn't a happy guy as much as he is a cheerleading coach.
Jhonny Peralta only smiles after he does something right. So, he's happier less and less.
Lindor, Correa, and Seager are to afraid to have a good time just yet.
We're going to go old school here and take Jimmy Rollins.
Rollins, to Phillips, to Freeman?
That ball has to arrive at first base with a smile on its face!

We need our outfield....
Outfielders don't smile much. Each seems to be on their own island.
Nobody to talk to.
Reminds me of a story though, that an umpire from a rookie league related to me.
He was umpiring first base. Most of the players were 19-21, either just graduating high school or College and getting their first taste of professional ball.
Directing his focus to home plate, this umpire could hear something that he used to hear in Little League.
"Hey batter, batter, SWING!
He brushed it off as being a drunk fan. But the 'taunts' kept coming. Every batter.
On an upcoming pitch, the umpire cheated his gaze behind him to pick up who was repeating the Little League chant.
When the realization hit, he looked down at the ground and laughed to himself.
It wasn't a fan at all. It was the new 17 year old right fielder. Bryce Harper.

Harper can't be on the Mayberry team. He plays the game with vengeance and tenacity.
Papelbon would relly be pissed, too.
But, Harper's fantasy running mate, Mike Trout can make our team.
Trout proves that a player can be a superstar while smiling and having fun doing it.
Trout sometimes, is Opian.
Andrew McCutchen also has a good time and would fit in with the Mayberry plan too.
Our third outfielder will be Billy Hamilton. Hamilton seems to have a perma-smile.
His teeth have different colors and gaps, which makes for an automatic return smile from fans.
He enjoys himself like Speedy Gonzalez and we share in the smile.

Pitchers hardly ever smile.
Heck, nobody even wants to sit next to them during a game. And if having a no-hitter, they're unapproachable.
Jon Lester looks like a criminal on the mound. So unhappy looking.
Ironic in all the criminal activities he allows on the bases.
We'll go with a pitcher who allows a smile on the field and who allows us to laugh.
Bartolo Colon.
Perfect for the Mayberry team.

Is there a friendly Closer in baseball?
Most, enter to music that makes them sound all gangsta.
They wear beards and fu manchu's and practice their 'mean looks' in mirrors.
So, we'll have to make do for our Mayberry team and pick a fellow who provides smiles.
Craig Kimbrel.
Kimbrel likes to look at a batter, then do bird imitations.
This is hilarious to non-baseball fans.
A treat for baseball fans too.
They like to get behind the backstop and imitate Kimbrel.
I can see a guys night out of Gomer, Goober, and Kimbrel.

So, there you have it.
Your Mayberry team of 2016.
No numbers. No researching. No nothing, but a lot of smiles and a fun fantasy season.
Ha, Mayberry method.
I may have to patent that.

[Bronx Yankees]

Dan - Good choices. I'd also suggest Nick Swisher for an OF position, but then the team would stink (but they might be even happier).

Mike

[Donacion]

Dan you know what would be fun would be a Mayberry team from the last 30 years. Mark Grace would have to be on my team.

Joe

[skmetz51]

Hey Dan, Great post. And what about Big Papi for DH? He's even hugging Price these days. But I'm pretty sure he's not single.

[DOUGHBOYS]

Swisher, Grace, and Papi can all be on the team. Great to have them all!

If going back in time, Ernie Banks would surely be on the team.

Mark Fidrych would be our Ernest T Bass. A little bit tetched, but harmless.

Bobby Cox would be Aunt Bee. Both could be stern, both coddling their youngsters.

[TOXIC ASSETS]

When I read the title of your post, Dan, I thought you were going to recommend John Mayberry Jr. for this season --- or perhaps you had inside information that his dad -- that would be John Mayberry Sr, was coming out of retirement and could help someone out. He may be 67 years old.... but it's a young 67.

John Mayberry Sr. career stats:
http://www.baseball-reference.com/playe ... jo01.shtml

[Edwards Kings]

Rotoworld reports Ernest T. Bass "....wants to steal more bases this year because I got a sure fire new move that will make Charlene Darling wanna marry me!"