I'll lead with my version of "TWIBPN" or better known as "This Week in Baseball's Pussy Notes" from around the Major Leagues
Paul Konerko: Left a game recently with a stiff neck. Medical diagnosis from the team physician: A mild case of
pussy-itis
Hanley Ramirez: Removed from a game with discomfort in his hamstring again! Note to Hanley Ramirez: Why don't you do us all a fucking favor and just go back to the Dominican Republic and take the fucking rest of the year off, pussy?!
Bryce Harper: According to reports, now believes he should have gone on the DL at the point he originally hurt himself, though he didn't let the team know how bad his injuries were. "Of course,"Harper said. "But I didn't want to go on. I thought hopefully my body could have got past it. I think after I hit the wall here [in Atlanta], I think I should have went on the DL, just try to get better and came back 15 days later. With a lot of guys out, I wanted to stay in the lineup the way I was swinging it. Of course, I want to play every day. It's something that, maybe I'll learn more in my career to take off 15 days instead of lose the month or whatever it is." Note to Bryce Harper: No shit!
And here's something else you will also hopefully learn in your career: Using legitimate injuries, no matter how idiotically contracted as a result of your own stupidity to justify your your less than stellar performance on the field after failing to disclose them, makes you not only a fool, but a pussy as well. Jacoby Ellsbury: Steals five bases in one game and follows it up with taking five games off to nurse a groin injury sustained in the process. Note to Jacoby Ellsbury: Keep it to one fucking stolen base a game then, pussy, and show up to play the next day.
Mike Morse: Eight games missed with a strained quad. Poor baby. I'm waiting for the report to come through any day now that he's going to be missing more time with either a case of Indian sunburn, a purple nurple, or a some sort of noogie injury. Gimme a fucking break. Add one more to the pussy list as far as I'm concerned.
Maybe these guys should just stop running, sliding, fielding, swinging, or doing anything else that could be construed as strenuous...or better yet, just send your android duplicate to show up and play instead. I'm sure Bud Selig and his Illuminati friends are working on that plan right now at this point.
Footnote for those of you not in the know: The Illuminati (plural of Latin illuminatus, "enlightened") is a name given to several groups, both real and fictitious. Historically the name refers to the Bavarian Illuminati, an Enlightenment-era secret society founded on May 1, 1776 to oppose superstition, prejudice, religious influence over public life, abuses of state power, and to support women's education and gender equality. The Illuminati were outlawed along with other secret societies by the Bavarian government leadership with the encouragement of the Roman Catholic Church, and permanently disbanded in 1785.[1] In the several years following, the group was vilified by conservative and religious critics who claimed they had regrouped and were responsible for the French Revolution.
In subsequent use (as in Bud Selig's case), "Illuminati" refers to various organizations claiming or purported to have unsubstantiated links to the original Bavarian Illuminati or similar secret societies, and often alleged to conspire to control world affairs by masterminding events and planting agents in government and corporations to establish a New World Order and gain further political power and influence. Central to some of the most widely known and elaborate conspiracy theories, the Illuminati have been depicted as lurking in the shadows and pulling the strings and levers of power in dozens of novels, movies, television shows, comics, video games, and music videos. And you can add Major League Baseball to this list as well.
News Flash! This just in: Bryce Harper was transferred to the 60 day DL today when he ran full speed into the MRI unit.
And Rickie Weeks...how bad to do you have to suck to get replaced by a kid named "Scooter"? Pathetic. Show a little pride, pussy, and get your head out of your ass and PLAY THE DAMN GAME!
"Play the game, Weeks! Play the game!
Oh, and this segment would not be complete without me mentioning your friend and mine, Brett Lawrie. Now let me get this straight...You are in a fucking walking boot because you turned your ankle?!!! I just did that today getting my kid out of the car, and guess what, Brett Lawrie, you tatooed psychopath, no fucking walking boot for me! Go figure. This officially puts you in a category of your own entitled, "GIANT PUSSY"
In this photo: Brett Lawrie (don't ask me where I was looking to find this picture)
It was also reported this past week that Billy Hamilton hit an inside-the-park home run and rounded the bases in 14.3 seconds. Everyone know what this means? Absolutely Jack Shit!!! Thank you. Now please go back to putting up more meaningless stats and feats of physical prowess versus the pussies you're up against in the minors.
It has additionally been reported that the Mets will be promoting Zack Wheeler to the make his major league debut this week. Note to Fred Wilpon and company: We are New Yorkers and New Jerseyans. You can't put whipped cream on a pile of dog shit, call it an ice cream sundae, and expect us to eat it!
The disgraceful product you put on the field year in and year out on behalf of your paying customers in what should be viewed as the preeminent sports market in the country, is an insult to our intelligence, a sham to hide your ineptitude and greed, and a mockery to the rest of the league. Just ask the Florida Marlins, a similar AAA ball club that your team can't even beat on a regular basis! So do us all a fucking favor: Sell the team and go join Hanley Ramirez on the beach in the Dominican Republic. Not in this photo: Hanley Ramirez, who hurt his finger unfolding a beach chair, and Fred Wilpon, who nearly drowned trying swim out to get the pot of gold he thought was at the end of the rainbow.
Douchebag.Speaking of insulting our intelligence, it was reported this week that Universal and Silver Pictures will remake "Weird Science", the 1985 ultimate nerd wish fulfillment comedy that was written and directed by John Hughes.
Great. I can see the hard "R-rating" coming now in a desperate attempt to work in as much sex and nudity in place of any semblance of a decent script or competent actors! I worked in the theater the summer the original came out, and I still remember the packed houses of hysterical audiences. Written by Hughes in three days, it still holds up well today and is better than 99% of the shit released now that is supposed to pass as comedy. I'm sure a remake of the "Breakfast Club" and others are just around the corner because Hollywood is truly out of new ideas... 
In this photo: A trip down hard-on lane
Okay, let me get rid of that for you:
Oops! Still when she was hot...
Now not!
Now just a few thoughts and insights to wrap this one up...
World Perceptions and Ponderings
Ever notice that the dimetrodon is the worst of the plastic dinosaur toys to step on with bare feet? (followed closely by the stegosaurus and the triceratops) 
Ever wonder why underwear companies gave up on warning consumers of the stigma of 'unsightly panty bulge'? Went out with the 70's, I guess. 
Ever wonder looking back on it now, how any of us didn't immediately assume The Village People were gayer than a Broadway Musical?
Like I was saying...
Ever notice that people who say "I'm just big boned" or "it's a glandular problem" never just say, "I'm a lazy, gluttonous, fat-ass that needs to keep my hands out of the Cheetos bag", like they should be saying instead?
(I felt the urge to do about five miles on the treadmill after posting this one)
Ever wonder about the expression, "waffling"? Are waffles really all that much more non-committal than any other breakfast food? Ever notice that you never feel secure with those push-button lock mechanisms on public bathroom doors? Is it too much to ask to just put in a dead-bolt or hook and eye latch and call it a day? 
In this photo: Yet another case for better locking mechanisms on bathroom doors.
Ever notice how when you were a kid, as soon as you dug more than a few inches into the dirt in your backyard, your mother would scream, "What are you trying to do, dig to China?! As if this were ever your original intention or even geologically possible for that matter. 
Well, perhaps I stand corrected...
Ever notice that you can never tell anyone you are dating a dancer without them translating it to mean "stripper"? Well, at least that's what always happened to me... Ever notice how when a woman says, "he makes me laugh", when asked why she's with her boyfriend, that it's usually code for "he's really not that attractive but compensates well with his sense of humor."? Ever notice how women get so upset when you randomly walk up to them and ask, "Excuse me, but what have you had in your vagina lately?' 
Wasn't what I was looking for, but I gotta get me some of this!
And with that, perhaps a good place to end off. Much more to come in future installments. Post your hostilities and support as you see fit.
-MTM
is now upon us. Pussy pink color intentional. 
Then you'd have a point. 